Dude Wakes Up and Smells the Coffee

“Dude! Dude! Wake up! Dude! You’re supposed to be on Wilshire Boulevard in 2 hours. I don’t think you’re going to make it!”

“Wha??? Where am I? Chief?”

“You were dreaming, Dude. Some gawdawful thing that made you scream ‘moider’ every few minutes.”

“Oh Lamont! Thank Whatever! You’re ALIVE!!!!”

“Don’t kiss my hand, good grief, Dude. You just had a dream. But you have to get up and out of here with your Smilodon suit. Seriously.” Two hours is barely enough time.”

“You’re not dead?”

“Not as of now, no. But the future is certain and the end is always near.”

“Ha ha. I’ll tell you my dream when I get home. It was wacko. It was like we were in a parallel universe or something.”

“Not surprising. Every time you drink red wine with your ravioli you have nightmares.”

“That’s true. Well, I’m off.”

“True enough. Drive carefully and have fun up there in La-La Land. Here’s your coffee.”

***

This is part 4 in a four part series. To find out how our heroes got to this point…

Episode 1 in this series

Episode 2 in this series

Episode 3 in this series.

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations. This gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/parallel/

Dude Starts to Believe in Kafka — or Laurel and Hardy

“You should be interviewing me as a witness not a suspect. I saw the whole thing and it WASN’T moider, not in any normal sense, anyway.”

“When is moider normal?”

“That’s not the point.”

“It’s a point.”

“Granted, but the question here is how did Lamont die? And I have the answer to that. You should be interested.”

“He came flying outta’ that window. You probably pushed him.”

“Why would I push him? He’s my best friend.”

“You know the answer to that better than anyone, Dude. Yer coming to the station.”

“Whatever. But you should really go upstairs and talk to those people. They were there, too, when Lamont…”

“When you pushed him?”

“I didn’t push him.”

“I’ll take over, Chief. I’m Detective Inspector Ryan.”

“This isn’t your jurisdiction, Detective Inspector.”

“It is now. What do we have here?”

“This is my friend, Lamont. We were having dinner with friends upstairs, and there was an earthquake. Lamont was sitting on the windowsill with a plate of raviolis at the moment the quake hit.”

“Uh-uh. And what time was the earthquake?”

“I don’t know, thirty minutes ago? You must’ve felt it.”

“I’m going to have to check that out with the USGS, meanwhile, I’m arresting you on suspicion of murdering Lamont, Lamont, Lamont. What was his full name.”

“Lamont. That was it. At our ages, we pretty much gave up on the idea of surnames. I mean, you come around a few dozen times and what is the whole point of parentage, right?”

“You seem familiar. So does your friend. Have you been at the Tar Pits lately?”

“Yeah, this afternoon, why?”

“Were you dressed as a Smilodon?”

“Yeah, but how could you know that?”

“Your voice. Could you do a scary Smilodon roar for me?”

“Really, Detective Inspector, what does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s pretty amazing, Chief. You’d think this guy was ACTUALLY a Smilodon!”

“I was. In a previous incarnation. Look, are you guys in the LEAST interested in what happened to my friend, Lamont?”

“Wait a minute. You guys were on TV, right? On Ellen?”

“Yeah, Chief, but that was a while back.”

“I NEVER miss Ellen. You and your buddy here knew each before when you were like fish and bears and stuff, right? I thought you were just a couple of cranks.”

“What about Lamont???”

“We’re going to take you in for questioning on suspicion of murder, Mr. Smilodon. Here, let me cuff you.”

Previous Episode….

Lamont (RIP) and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past lives which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/crank/

Dude Talks to a Copper

“You’re gonna’ sing, mister.”

“Sing what?”

“You know. Your confession. You’re going to rat out all your buddies and lay it all out and then you’re going to live in a ticky-tacky suburban house under an assumed name with legit ID. You got it? Better than the pen.”

“This one for sure. It’s all dried out.”

“Gimmie’ that.”

“Why would I ‘sing’ if I wasn’t even there…”

“So you knew the guy who was moidered?”

“How do you know he was murdered?”

“Moidered. You were standing right there at the scene when we were called. It had to be you.”

“No, it didn’t ‘had to be me’. You ought to do a little investigating. I think that would be your next step. Hold me if you think you have to, but to do that you have to charge me.”

“I’m charging you with moidering Lamont P. Ravioli.”

“This is absurd. The guy’s name was ‘Lamont Ravioli’?”

“As far as we know.”

“Usually the first thing that happens in an investigation is you ID the victim.”

“We know he was Lamont.”

“I know he was ‘Lamont’, too. Where did the ‘ravioli’ come from?”

“His shirt. What’s your full name?”

“Dude.”

“I asked you your full name!”

“That’s it. My name is Dude. I had it legally changed years and years ago.”

“Awright. If you say so.”

“Yeah, well, I’d know if anyone does.”

“Were you acquainted with the deceased?”

“I’ve known him most of my lives.”

Lives????”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have (or had) the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives (gave?) them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/song/

Let’s Do It Again…

“So what would you call this TV show, Lamont?”

“Some names have been tossed around. ‘First You Die and Then You Die,’ didn’t fly but I thought it was funny.”

“You see the challenge, don’t you?”

“I see a lot of challenges. Which one are you referring to?”

“Death is not a cheerful subject for most people.”

“That’s true, and I had thought of that. Most people don’t see it as the gateway to a possible incarnation as an oak tree. They probably think all oak trees are identical, not a network of unique beings.”

“No.”

“I don’t think they’re even ready for a consequenceless afterlife.”

“No. They would see coming back as a bug a bad thing.”

“It’s not. It’s a pretty good life. Plenty of food, that part’s good, but predators. A bug’s life is usually pretty short.”

“They don’t see that as good thing, either.”

“There’s no ‘good’ Dude. No ‘bad’. It’s just what it is.”

“I know that. It’s difficult to… I try to live in the moment. That doesn’t come back as an oak tree, velociraptor, anything.”

“You got me there, Dude. So no on the TV show?”

“I told you, Lamont. I’m not doing it.”

“I guess you’re right. I thought it might be fun, but if we can’t even name it…”

“People don’t believe us, anyway. Grab your board. Let’s catch some waves.”

***

Part One: Lamont and Dude discuss their Own TV Show

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. Because they remember many of their past incarnations, they have a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/identical/

Lamont and Dude Discuss their Own TV Show

“Dude.”

“‘ssup?”

“We’ve been invited to pilot a television talk show.”

“Like Ellen?”

“I don’t think we’ll be in the least like Ellen.”

“Naw, Lamont. You can do it. It’s not my thing, you know, television. Talking to a television audience, none of that. Naw. I don’t want to. I’m not like you. I don’t have your sardonic outlook and your pithy turn of phrase.”

“They want you to appear as a smilodon.”

“I’m not a smilodon any more, well, except on weekends.”

“What if I tell you it’s a kid’s talk show with a decided political bias to which you subscribe?”

“Huh?”

“The idea is that we subtly make the point…”

“You’ve never made a subtle point in your lives, Lamont.”

“OK, but the idea is that we gently assert…”

“You’ve never asserted gently, Lamont. It’s not you.”

“We are going to help kids understand how important it is to take care of the planet because maybe they were once dandelions, ladybugs and velociraptors.”

“I think kids would like to be velociraptors. The ones I see up there in LA on weekends, anyway. They definitely like pretending to be smilodons. It’s not far psychologically from smilodon to velociraptor.”

“There you go. Now will you do it? It was your smilodon performance that made the network interested.”

“ME?”

“Are you blushing?”

“Shut up.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/blush/

Lamont and Dude Debrief

“How’d it go?”

“It was all right. Thanks for hooking me up to that Youtube video of you at the museum.”

“No prob.”

“Did you watch the show?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you think?”

“I think it’s amazing we seem to be the only two living creatures who remember all that stuff.”

“I have thought that, too. But then I asked myself, ‘Have I ever remembered this stuff before?’ And no, I haven’t.”

“Me neither.”

“So how did this happen?”

“Do you think maybe it’s, you know, we’re just a couple of rubes who accidentally got hypnotized once when we were hanging out at the beach, Venice Beach maybe?”

“Maybe. Maybe it was something like that.”

“You know, maybe we were watching for the Green Ray and a hypnotist was there.”

“You know, Dude, it could have been a hypnotist, but maybe he was hypnotizing someone  so they could have a past life regression. In that case, it’s both real and artificially stimulated, you know?”

“Hmm. So it’s just coincidence that we happen to have been alive together all those times?”

“No, not really. It’s the paradox of the universe which is simultaneously infinite and finite. As you know, matter and energy are never lost.”

“Whoa.”

“Yeah.”

***

Lamont and his pal, Dude, are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

Part One is Here

Part Two is Here

Part Three is Here

Part Four is Here

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/rube/

Spirit Guide

“Well, Lamont, before we wind this up, what are you and your friend, Dude, doing these days?”

“Dude got a weekend job at the La Brea Tarpits as a — you’ll never believe this — a Smilodon, that is, Saber Toothed Cat. It’s totally unbelievable, and I mean that literally. Little kids come up to him and pet him, and touch his fangs, and get their pictures taken with him. It’s Disney as hell. Dude says wearing that costume is like being in a furnace.”

“Wasn’t Dude once a Saber Toothed Cat?”

“He was.”

“So, if he knows how they act, shouldn’t he try to be, you know, authentic?”

“I don’t think that would go over very well with the kiddies. Too much blood. Saber toothed cats, you know. Besides, he IS authentic; authentic Dude. Dude’s a super friendly guy, always falling in love, thinks children are cute. I like him in spite of all that, but…”

“What do you two do in your free time? I know your lecturing keeps you on the road a lot, but other than wearing a Smilodon quadsuit, I mean, that can’t be a full-time job for Dude.”

“You’d be surprised. Dude works a lot, plus it’s a hell of a commute up the 405 every weekend.  And he surfs every day he’s not working, and he shapes boards parttime. We share payments on a house down in San Diego, on the boardwalk between Mission and PB, you know. Dude loves it. Lots of girls. Decent sets. Sometimes we head down to Sunset Cliffs.”

“Do you surf, too?”

“Yeah, but I’m not as deep into as Dude. Between us, and however many viewers are up watching this show at godawful o’clock in the still-dark am hours, I think he feels most like a Smilodon when he’s surfing.”

“Cats in the ocean?”

“It’s not about being a cat, Tom. It’s the spirit of the thing. You asked me earlier what my favorite incarnation was, well, Dude’s was probably the time he was a Smilodon.”

“Were you there for that?”

“Was I there? I was DINNER.”

“Where was that?”

“Up in what’s now LA, oddly enough, the La Brea Tarpits. Those were great times in a lot of ways. I liked the Ice Age. It was a long period, and I got to come around a couple of times. I had my first human iteration back then. Didn’t last long. Lots of really big animals — like myself. I was a Wooly Mammoth.”

“And Dude ATE you?”

“He had help. A pack of Dire Wolves and a couple of Smilodon ‘buddies’ though they — you know — cats aren’t really buddies. And, the tar pits. Nasty. Water on top, leaves, debris. Looks like a pond. It’s pretty easy for an unwary six ton animal to find himself in trouble — and those wolves were smart. They knew how to drive us in there. It was awful, no way around it. But that’s nature. Kill or be killed.”

“Does it have to be that way, though?”

“Seriously, Trish? Yes, it has to be that way. It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a good thing. It’s just how it is.”

“You could seriously kill someone, is that what you’re saying?”

“I don’t want to, not in this iteration, but you know, when Dude was a salmon and I was a hungry bear, sure, yeah.”

“We’re about out of time, Lamont. Do you have any words of wisdom or a message for our audience?”

“Not really, well, maybe this. Whoever or whatever you are today you were something else once and you’ll be something else again. Everything and everyone around you could’ve been you. Think about that.”

“Thanks, Lamont, for being on our show! I’m sure you’ve given our viewers, uh, food for thought. Be sure to catch Lamont’s podcasts and look for his TED talks!”

 

 

Part One is Here

Part Two is Here

Part Three is Here

***

Lamont and his pal, Dude, are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/costume/

Lamont Discourses on Feathers

“Today we’re excited to welcome Mr. Lamont. You might have heard his controversial podcast lectures and TED talks discussing reincarnation. Mr. Lamont, welcome to Mornings with Tom and Trish! I have to say, I didn’t know that you are STILL a velociraptor.”

“Thank you, Trish. Yeah, still a velociraptor, still an oak tree, still a salmon, grrrr, still a lot of things. It’s a costume, sweet cheeks.”

“So our picture up there, we pretty much got it wrong?”

“Basically accurate, Tom, but you know, what do you have to go by? Just a lot of funny rocks, right?”

“Yeah. But science…”

“Science is good. Better than non-science, that’s for sure.”

“So the feathers. I see you have feathers?”

“I told you, this is a costume. Velociraptors are extinct.”

“Right, but you’d know, right?”

“Well, yeah, but I’m not here to alter the course of scientific inquiry by giving out secrets of the late Cretaceous and, anyway, why should you believe me? Maybe I’m just a guy in a velociraptor costume making claims that you can’t prove or disprove, you know, like the existence of God?”

“Whoa, we have a strict rule that we do not discuss religion or politics on our show. We believe our viewers need a break from…”

“Real life?”

“What was your favorite incarnation, Mr. Lamont?”

“Just ‘Lamont’. I haven’t always been the male of the species, or even an animal, and sometimes I’ve been a single cell organism and you know how THEY reproduce, and for a while I was a flatworm, and, all that being the case, I just go with my name.”

“OK. So, what was your favorite?”

“Once I was an oak tree in an ancient British forest, worshipped by Druids.”

“Did you see a lot of human sacrifices?”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about religion?”

“How is that religion?”

“It was the Druidic religion. You know, what amazes me is that’s always the first question, whether in my, sigh, iteration as an oak tree, I saw human sacrifices. Humans are so morbid. All life is sacrificed on the altar of time. The Druids had reasons of their own.”

“Did they eat, you know, the bodies?”

“Of course they ate the bodies. What do you take them for, sacreligious?”

***

This is part two in a series to be continued tomorrow, inschallah.

Part One is Here.

***

Lamont and his pal, Dude, are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/lecture/

Coming to a Cable Network Near You

“Here we are again at Monday.”

“What?”

“Monday, again.”

“I can’t imagine you’re surprised by that.”

“Don’t you ever feel like a machine or something?”

“Often. But humans conjured up a system that more or less works, so I show up because, thanks be to God, I work, too.”

“Ha ha. So what’s going on today?”

“You’re interviewing that reincarnation guy to see if he’s believable enough to put on TV.”

“In this climate, sweet cheeks, anything is believable enough. Looks who’s in the White House.”

“I was trying not to think of that until Tuesday. Monday’s enough all by itself. Anyway, the reincarnation guy should be here any minute.”

“You’ve seen him. What do you think?”

“Personally, I think he’s legit. I can’t explain how that could be, but it’s logical that our molecules become part of the universe — earth in particular — when we die. Why shouldn’t the energy that is our experience be stored in those molecules?”

“Is THAT what reincarnation means? No Karma? No nearing Nirvana? Nothing spiritual? That’s pretty dry. Is that his schtick?”

“Yeah. Well you asked.”

“Did you make us coffee?”

“Did make YOU coffee? What do you think; this is the seventies?”

“Never mind.”

To Be Continued…

***

Lamont and his pal, Dude, are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/conjure/

Lamont and Dude Opine about the DMV

“Hey Lamont, how’s it hanging?”

“What?”

“Hi, hello, ‘ssup, whatever.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“You look a little worse for wear.”

“You have NO idea.”

“I do though. That’s the thing.”

“True enough.”

“Where have you been?”

“DMV.”

“Oh god. Say no more. You wonder how all these millions of years of evolution could result in the DMV.”

“I was wondering that very thing, Dude.”

“Did you make an appointment? That usually helps.”

“I did but so what?”

“Ah.”

“Some lady was there with her 15 year old son. There for a driving test, but they were late. They missed their appointment. They pushed — I mean the lady, not the DMV — LITERALLY pushed everyone out of line so she could cut to the front and have her turn.”

“What did the DMV guy say?”

“DMV lady, Dude. DMV lady. Feminism means women get to work in that woeful place for peanuts. Yay fucking freedom.”

“Wow, you’re in a mood.”

“You would be too! Anyway she told them to make another appointment. They were twenty minutes late. Their place was taken by the next in line. Well that mother raised holy hell, held everything up.”

“Wow. So what happened finally?”

“A driving test guy came in, took out the kid. The DMV lady told the mother to sit down and be quiet or she’d call the cops. I can tell you that everyone in line was pissed.”

“What were you there for?”

“Just to renew my license.”

“Did you?”

“Finally, but Dude, the thing is did we — and I mean you and I — endure millions of years of molecular mutation, famines, floods, fires, being eaten by bears (me) and other creatures (you) JUST to stand in line at the DMV and have some stupid woman who can’t tell time further retard the already desperately flawed system we in our majestic humanity have devised so people can legally drive death machines to Disneyland?”

“Oh Lamont. It’s not such a big deal.”

“Seriously. When did the bullies of the world get the right to follow different rules?”

“Survival of the fittest, Lamont. You know that as well — better — than anyone.”

“All I want, Dude, all I want…”

“To come back as an oak tree?”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/permit/n,./