Lamont and Dude have a Deep Talk

“Hey Lamont. Look at these pictures. Were we ever one of these?”

“I doubt it. I think there is a clear demarcation between land and sea animals and we never crossed that line.”

“Not true. I was a shark. And salmon.”

“I forgot, Dude. I forget about the random stuff you were while I was an oak tree, peacefully at one with everything.”

“What do you think? Would it be cool to be a pilot fish or one of these guys?”

“No. There are many things other people do that I do not want to do ever.  One of them is deep sea diving — or even scuba diving. I have an irrational attachment to air, sunshine and Terra Firma.”

“Because of the creepy things that live down there?”

“No. Because I just don’t like it. It’s dark. It’s wet. It’s scary. There are all kinds of wrecked ships, stuff from wars like unexploded armament, submarines…”

“When I took that scuba trip to the Bahamas we got to see a sunken German U-Boat from WW II.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. Nothing special. Just a sub. Standard, you know, for the time.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/substandard/

Lamont and Dude Ponder Dormancy

“Dormant. They say that volcano in Yellowstone Park is dormant.”

“A good thing.”

“There was fake news about it recently, that it was about to erupt — no, wait, the news said it WAS erupting, it was spewing lava.”

“You know what must be cool about being a volcano?”

“Not much is cool about being a volcano. ‘Cool’ and ‘volcano’ are not the first two words you put together.”

“Lava cools.”

“Yeah, but volcano? I’m sorry, Dude. I interrupted you with some unfunny pedantry. What must be cool about being a volcano?”

“You get to spew. Volcanoes are always spewing.”

“There’s a theory that our meteorite caused all kinds of volcanic action.”

“I bet it did. It’s known scientifically that meteorites can cause that. Remember when we took your wife and kids to see the meteor crater in AZ?”

“AZ?”

“Arizona.”

“Ah. Yeah. She wasn’t impressed.”

“Don’t look so sad, Lamont. If it had been meant to be, she’d still be here with you.”

“You know, Dude, around Lorraine, I always tried to keep the memories under control a bit. She really didn’t get it. She had me committed!”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry I blew it for you, spewing old memories about the goodle days as velociraptors.”

“Probably for the best. No marriage is any good if you can’t be yourself around your spouse. Or, in my case, selves.”

“I will never forget little Lamont Jr. saying, ‘Daddy, were you really a velociraptor?'”

“How do you answer that when your kid asks?”

“You did good on that one.”

“What did I say?”

“‘Once upon a time in a land far, far away’.”

“Oh yeah. Well, all that’s blood under the bridge as they say. Thanks for springing me from the asylum.”

“No worries. You’d do the same for me.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/dormant/

Lamont and Dude Discuss the Bearability of Human Life

“Rend and tear, rend and tear. Call it what every you want but it’s still rend and tear. Grrr.”

“What’s wrong, Lamont?”

“Human life. Every time I’ve returned as a human… It’s sugar-coating of ‘civilization’ and ‘humanity’ — what a crock. Humans are as savage — or more — than any other species.”

“Uh oh. Having one of those ‘despicable hypocrisy of the human race’ moments?”

“Yeah. I guess. Have you ever thought of how humans characterize the Great White Shark as the personification — wait, the fishification — of pure evil when he’s just hungry and good at getting his dinner?”

“That’s all he’s good at, really.”

“That’s my point. That is what animals do. We have all evolved skills so we don’t starve. That’s it. You can’t call that anything but what it is. Some creatures — canines and humans, for example — expanded their range of acceptable food. Other creatures evolved rotating rows of teeth. It amounts to the same thing.”

“You really miss the old days that much? It’s a lot easier to go to the store than it was to chase down something and then, at the last minute, wind up being eaten by the creature who was chasing you. You, of all creatures, should appreciate that.”

“Bring that up all you want, but how long were you a salmon? You didn’t even get to finish the spawn.”

“So you say, but I don’t remember that at all.”

“Of course you wouldn’t. Being a bear was great. Close in quality of life to being an oak tree. Several months of meditative hibernation followed by a two or three month feast. That’s a good way to organize a life, I’d say.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them an unusual perspective on life, the universe and everything.

 

https://wordpress.com/post/marthakennedy.blog

Lamont and Dude Discuss Selective Memory

“C’mon, Lamont! The sun is shining, the waves are breaking, it’s a beautiful day.”

“It’s always a beautiful day.”

“You’re a grumpy pants this morning.”

“Same old, same old, blue sky, sun shining, waves breaking.”

“If I were you, I wouldn’t complain about that. It’s better than…”

“You’re going to say ‘Ice Age,’ am I right?”

“Well, yeah, I was…”

“That was great!”

“No it wasn’t. It was cold and hard to find food.”

“You did all right.”

“Well, yeah, I did all right, but the secret then like now was just to go with the flow.”

“Ice flow. I was thinking back and you were not always a top predator back then.”

“I wasn’t?”

“No. You just have a selective memory and you think of your lifetimes all as having been sabre toothed tigers, velociraptors and whatnot, but Dude, you were a squirrel.”

“Squirrel?”

“Where?”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with three years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past iterations. This gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/sunny/

Lamont and Dude Discourse on Wealth

“Hey Lamont, you got a few bucks?”

“Yes. And I’m grateful for them. They’re useful in this superficial world where one’s life is spent toiling for the legal tender. Why?”

“I, uh, I…”

“You’re broke.”

“Yeah. Again. I miss the old days.”

“Which ones?”

“The ones where we didn’t need money to live. Remember when you were a salmon and I was a bear?”

“Vaguely. Remember when you were an oak tree and I was an oak tree?”

“Remember when we were velociraptors?”

“Remember when you were a pile of dead meat and I was a carrion-eating giant flying scavenger?”

“No, I don’t remember that one.”

“Dead things tell no tales.”

“You’re proud of that? You didn’t even do the kill if all you were was a giant carrion-eating flying scavenger!”

“The kill isn’t everything, Dude. If you understood that, you wouldn’t always need to hit me up for money. Here’s twenty bucks.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations. This gives them a unique perspective on life the universe and everything.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/tender/

Lamont and Dude Ponder Distance

“Dude?”

“‘Yo! ‘ssup?”

“Not much. What’s out there?”

“Oh, I’m watching the sets. I’m not sure it’s worth going out.”

“Aren’t you the guy who told me it’s always worth going out?”

“Maybe. But it’s not. See how they’re breaking? A guy’s more likely fall off one than get a ride.”

“I see what you mean. Hey, what’s that?”

“Whoa.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know. A boat?”

“It’s pretty far out there.”

“Yeah.”

“You know what was great about being a woolly mammoth?”

“Being chased down and eaten by me?”

“You think that’s SO funny. No. That wasn’t great, what was great was being so tall you could see way out there, the far distant horizon, in all directions.”

“Didn’t help you much.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/distant/

Lamont and Dude Discuss Finality

“So Lamont, what do you think? Do you agree with the idea that we will have a final iteration when we finally reach an enlightened state?”

“That idea has always cracked me up.”

“So you don’t. But what if we have been being born and dying over and over again as some kind of punishment?”

“That’s one of the grimmest views of life I’ve ever encountered.”

“You know, the Wheel of Dharma, as Kerouac called it, the ‘quivering meat-wheel of flesh’.”

“Are you reading Kerouac now?”

“Uh, well, uh, maybe. But that’s not the point. Do you think we’ll ever stop coming back?”

“No. Not judging by my lives so far. I can’t see how that would ever happen as nothing is lost in the universe but exists continually as matter or energy. As we are matter AND energy, I think our recurrence is pretty secure. We’ll be back. It’ll always be ‘Hasta la vista, baby’ and never ‘Adios’.”

“Wow. Well, I wonder what we’ll be next time?”

“Who knows? I have thought about whether there’s any pattern.”

“There’s the theory that every time we do well in a lifetime, we move up a notch to a higher form of being next time.”

“That’s always bothered me, too. Who’s to say what is a ‘higher form of being’? Humans came up with that stuff so naturally they have home team loyalty. Personally, I think being an oak tree is as good as it gets. So, if that theory is true, what did I do wrong to have been so ingloriously demoted?”

“You’re saying if a dog wrote the Bhagavad Gita, dogs would be the highest form of life?”

“Yeah, but dogs would never write that.”

“I wonder what they WOULD write if they COULD write?”

“Do you remember ever having been a dog?”

“No, not really. Dire wolf?”

“Close enough. What did you think back then?”

“Hmmmm… CHASE THE WOOLLY MAMMOTH INTO THE POND NOW!!!

“Ah…”

***

 

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/final/

Lamont Tells Dude about Iceland’s Elysian Fields

“Yarn.”

“What, Lamont?”

“Yarn.”

“Ah. Now what?”

“Do you remember? No, you weren’t there. Strange times. Strange place, but I loved it. It had its downside, though. Not exactly ‘down’ side, come to think of it. More wool, though the ducks and geese were everywhere. Danger of wool gathering.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Iceland.”

“Oh god. How do you know it was Iceland and not some other remote tundraesque locale on the planet?”

“Volcanoes.”

“Ah.”

“Finally had enough of the routine — always the same. Get thrown in the pen with a bunch of ewes in the fall, pulled out after I’ve sewn my seed and set on my own, grabbed in the spring, all my wool sheared off — you think it never snowed after that? You think it was never cold after that? Fuck no. It WAS cold and it DID snow and freezing rain could come blasting at my poor shorn self any time. Who knew? They SHOULD have known. It happened all the time, but NO. Then I got it. It was my wool they were after. And my sperm.”

“Could be a lot worse, Lamont. All the ewes you could, uh, service? And all you had to do was let them take your wool? I’m having a hard time seeing the dark side. It’s not like they were turning you into mutton.”

“It would come. It always came. I saw it hundreds of times. So, I left.”

“You LEFT?”

“Yep. Walked away one fall while they were busy assembling all the ewes. It was easy. They were distracted and we all pretty much look the same. The gate was open. I left. I just started walking. I’m not even sure they noticed I was gone.”

“Wow. So you were a maverick sheep in Iceland?”

“I had a couple of buddies. Sometimes we’d meet up, walk together for a while. It was good. It disguised us as a herd, not that anyone ever looked for us. We still got to service ewes, if we found one and she was willing — happened a lot. Long dark winters in Iceland. BUT all that wool WAS heavy, especially after a good rain, still, we were never cold again. And we became legends.”

“Yeah, a legend in your own mind. I think you’re telling me a yarn, Lamont.”

“Suit yourself, Dude.”

 

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/yarn/

Lamont and Dude Reminisce about Continental Drift

“Dude? You up, too?”

“Another earthquake.”

“I hate it when we get earthquakes at night, and I don’t get to enjoy them. Just jolted awake, stunned, going, ‘What?’.”

“Especially when you know the really interesting ones are going come at rush hour.”

“That could be why they’re interesting.”

“True that. You going back to bed?”

“I don’t know. Maybe there will be some aftershocks.”

“You really like these things, don’t you, Lamont?”

“Nostalgia. You know how it is. I remember the glorious times of the shifting tectonic plates…”

“We’re still in those times, Lamont.”

“Yeah, I know. I just remember so vividly the moment when the Indian subcontinent crashed into Asia. Wheeeeee!”

“C’mon, Lamont. You can’t expect me to believe you felt that. The continents weren’t exactly sliding around like air-hockey pucks.”

“15 cm a year. That’s moving, if you’re a continent.”

“What were you?”

“I was a small meat-eating dinosaur with wing-like appendages.”

“Could you fly?”

“Nah. I wish. Weren’t you there?”

“Not that I recall. Maybe it was one of those dark times when I was a bacteria.”

“Maybe you were a tree. That would have been the best. As a tree you could have experienced a lot more of the whole drift thing. Maybe that explains your love of surfing.”

“Apropos of surfing, sun’s coming up. You want to…?”

“Dude.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/jolt/

Lamont and Dude, Amused by Science

“Dude, you remember our short but wonderful period as velociraptors, right?”

“I think of it often. Why?”

“I was wondering. In any of your human iterations have you been a scientist of any kind?”

“Not that I recollect. You?”

“Never. I’m asking because yesterday I read a very timely article about us — back then us, not now us — and it looks like some scientist has made a world-shaking…”

“You mean like a Brontosaurus?”

“Good one, Dude. He’s decided that the tree human scientists have made up — important, made up — has been wrong all this time and velociraptors actually belong in the OPPOSITE category. This has rocked the world of science, Dude. I find that hilarious. Look at this thing. Any idiot looking at our skeleton is going to see a California condor, am I right?”

 

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“That is pretty funny. Nothing like the obvious to confuse the shit out of a human. But, you know how we are. We always want a neat category to put stuff in, and then we get very loyal to those categories, right?”

“But 9 times out of 10 we invent the categories we put stuff in then we call it ‘fact’ when, as in this case, it’s only a combination of tradition and conjecture.”

“That’s humans for you. Remember when they decided the Brontosaurus never existed and then changed their mind and said it did?”

“I could sure go for a nice flank of Bronto thrown on the barbie, couldn’t you, Dude?”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/timely/