Lamont and Dude Ponder Human Names

“I guess you’re what people would call eccentric, Lamont.”

“Pot/kettle you weirdo.”

“Seriously, Lamont. Even people on Twitter think your name is eccentric.”

“It’s a great name. It means ‘the mountain’. I chose it because…”

“That’s not the name your most recent human parents gave you?”

“No. Of course not. Shudder.”

“What’s your real name?”

“My real name is Lamont. You don’t even have a name.”

“I do. It’s not my fault no one uses it. It’s Geoffrey. Geoff.”

“Ah. I see why you go by Dude.”

“Nothing wrong with Geoff but, you know. But LAMONT???”

“We’ve been quarantined too long, me thinks. Here you are, referring to Twitter as if anything that happened there had meaning and here I am making fun of a name some random humans gave you when you were born. This can’t be good. Shouldn’t we be discussing the absurdity of human-centered reality and the arrogance of the species as it goes willy-nilly into what it calls scientific investigation? Shouldn’t we be offering some pithy yet searing social criticism based on our multi-millennia existence?”

“That’s your job, Lamont. Looks like the museum is going to open this summer, though. Fingers crossed.”

“You miss your smilodon gig don’t you, Dude.”

“Yeah, I miss the kids and I miss the Zen of cleaning tar from paleontological fragments in the shipping container they call my lab. I do. I miss that stuff.”

“You know the beaches are going to be very crowded once everything opens up again.”

“They were crowded before.”

“True.”

“What are you going to do, Lamont? Try to redeem yourself with Oprah, or?

“I don’t know, Dude. Something interesting will turn up. Always has.”

~ ~ ~

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude Ponder Employment and Take On a Rescue Mission

“‘sssup, Lamont?”

“Looking for a job where I can work from home. But really, Dude, nothing looks appealing. You really lucked out at the museum, Dude.”

“I know. How many positions even EXIST for a former Smilodon to wear a Smilodon suit all day and get paid for it?”

“I meant the little trailer where you sort through all the bits and pieces coming out of the tar pits. I could do that.”

“Well, obviously, but not from home. “

“Right?”

“TED talks, Lamont. Those are still happening. I think, anyway. Have you signed up for your vaccine yet?”

“Here’s irony for you, Dude. No. I tried but they said no because I’m ‘too young’. Ha!”

“Well you are only 40 or something at this point, in this iteration.”

“I know, but…”

“It doesn’t matter, Lamont. Fauci says things won’t be ‘normal’ until this fall.”

“Things are never normal with humans in charge.”

“What’s with that old guy? He’s been sitting under the lifeguard stand for a while now. “

“Yeah, I know. I think we should go see if he’s OK.”

~~~

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2021/01/24/rdp-sunday-appealing/

Lamont and Dude Ponder Satirizing the Times in which We Live

“Did you see this? I think the National Geographic has it in for us.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t remember skipping through a meadow with a flower between my teeth chasing butterflies.”

“I’ve thought about that dumb illustration and I think they’re just trying to hit home the point that we were not, you know, thunder lizards.”

“We could have told them.”

“Dude, who would believe we were there?”

“True. We’re just a couple of dudes.”

“That’s certainly true of you.”

“Ha ha, real funny. But I was thinking. What if we wrote a book that satirizes humans’ bizarre qualities?”

“Besides the fact that the book would be infinitely long, what would you satirize?”

“The way they don’t believe in germs even when they get sick. The way they make vows to stay married forever but it only last through the photo shoot. The way they elect political leaders BECAUSE those leaders have NO experience in governing. Oh, oh oh, and my favorite. Their elected official has a soft-porn model for his wife and people call her ‘classy’.”

“Says more about them than her, don’t you think?”

“True, but think about it. Lots of really funny stuff has happened in the past few years. Stuff like that. It would be easy to satirize.”

“I get where you’re going, Dude, but I think if we write about that, humans won’t see the satire. They’ll just think it’s news reporting. They won’t get it any more than they get that we were once velociraptors.”

~~~

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/12/30/rdp-wednesday-satire/

Lamont and Dude Ponder the National Geographic

“Dude?”

“Did you see this National Geographic?”

“OH yeah. Those scientists. You gotta’ love them.”

“They say we were misunderstood.”

“I think they said we ARE misunderstood. You know. Hollywood. OK by me. I’m human now which just proves reincarnation is a lottery, and you can’t win ’em all.”

“You read it then?”

“Yeah. I was curious, ,you know, progress and so on. We hatched from blue eggs and weren’t even as big and fierce as cassowaries, more like walking eagles — feature that, Dude — that we were NOT like those giant lizard robots in Jurassic Park? Not news to me. What’s the word from the museum, anyway?”

“Still closed down. It’s going to be a while before they’re up and running again. I think costumed Smilodons are pretty far down on the list to get the vaccine.”

“Yeah. Television personalities, too.”

“Seriously, Lamont? You see yourself as a TV personality?”

“Just what are you taking issue with there, Dude, TV or ‘person’?”

“I just mean it’s been a while since you’ve been on TV and Oprah’s thrown you off her show at least twice.”

“Just being thrown off Oprah doesn’t mean I’m not a TV personality. I’d say it’s more indicative of it.”

“You have a point there.”

“How’s the surf?”

“Oh, Lamont. The waves are billowing in like happy sails.”

“You wanna?”

“Sure. One thing we’re getting from this whole thing is a lot more time on the water.”

~~~

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them an uncanny perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/12/21/rdp-monday-billow/

Lamont and Dude Discuss Recent Discoveries

“Ha ha ha ha!”

“What’s so funny, Lamont?”

“Like size = power. Ha ha ha!”

“What are you reading that’s so fucking funny?”

“Just got this in my email. Check it out. ‘…A Velociraptor that was more turkey than terror…'”

“Guess they were never chased by a turkey.”

“Don’t you love the way humans figure everything out all the time and then they’re wrong and then they figure everything out again and then they’re wrong and then…”

“It’s maddening. And then they hear things in plain sight…”

“What?”

“You know, someone says something plain as day and they don’t see it.”

“Ah like ‘I don’t pay taxes. I’m smart’?”

“Yeah.”

“Nothing like the perfectly obvious to surprise a human.”

~~~

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/rdp-tuesday-tax/

Lamont and Dude Discuss Victory

“Lamont, do you remember vanquishing anything?”

“Well, I vanquished you that time you were a salmon. You were delicious. For that matter, I guess when you were a young Smilodon and I was an aged mammoth, you vanquished me but…”

“Doesn’t seem quite right, does it?”

“Why not? It’s kill or be killed out there and food is for eating.”

“I mean vanquishing is about destroying your enemy. I didn’t see you as my enemy back in the day, Lamont. I saw you as dinner.”

“Good point, Dude. Kind of the opposite of an enemy.”

“Right? What about the meteor? Weren’t we vanquished by the meteor?”

“No. By your logic there has to be enmity. That meteor didn’t even know we were there. That was just our bad luck.”

“For the meteor too. I don’t think it wanted to crash into a planet. I think it wanted to keep going.”

“Accepting your absurd theory that a meteor has desires and goals, I agree with you, Dude. But in real life? It was just a rock hurtling through space. Why are we having this conversation?”

“Well, first, the surf is pretty flat. Second, I was reading this morning that doctors all over the world are trying to ‘vanquish’ this virus.”

“Typical human anthropomorphization.”

“That’s a hell of a word. So the virus isn’t an enemy?”

“No. It’s a virus. Just a weird little not-quite-alive-not-exactly-not-alive microscopic thing floating around. Humans won’t ‘vanquish’ it. It will always be there. It has always been there; it just never affected them before.”

“I wish the surf would come up.”

“What about when the tide comes back?”

“Naw, not even then.”

“I hate this time of year.”

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/08/17/rdp-monday-vanquish/

Lamont and Dude Contemplate Memory

“Here we are again, or still. Mother’s Day.”

“Humans.”

“Yeah. What memories do you have of your mom, Lamont?”

“Well first of all, I’d never seen either of my parents before so they were both a complete surprise. You?”

“Never saw them before in my lives.”

“Funny, isn’t it? You’d think it would work out so we’d at least stay with the same family. How many human families can you remember?”

“It’s hard to say. Of course I remember the current one.”

“Well, yeah, they live in Encino. But previous ones?”

“Nothing. In fact, I don’t have a clear memory of any of my previous human incarnations. Just flickers here and there. I think that’s interesting. If we could clearly remember our human iterations we’d get better at the business of being human.”

“I’ve thought about that too, Dude. My theory is that human lives are filled with the repetition of so much trivial shit that when we exit we want to forget it all.”

“Ha ha ha, Lamont. I see you’ve returned to your usual cynical stuff, but I’ve had a similar thought. When you’re a velociraptor you’re involved in all kinds of kill-or-be-killed drama and running. It’s a lot different from that weekly trip to Costco.”

“I was thinking more that when I was an oak tree, I wasn’t driven to do anything but the usual seasonal stuff, bud, leaf out, bloom, wait for a lucky breeze to pollinate me, drop acorns. I could do all that without really thinking about it. I had time to contemplate reality.”

“That’s what you want to do with your life, Lamont? ‘Contemplate reality’?”

“It’s more interesting and a lot less disagreeable than driving on the 405.”

“That’s reality.”

“HUMAN reality. There’s more to reality than human reality. You know it, I know it. The problem is that NOW when we could tell people about it, we only have human language to do it with. That’s just wrong. Human language is for human experience. It’s so limiting.”

“I don’t know, Lamont. I don’t recall saying anything that time I was a salmon and you were a bear.”

“You said A LOT. I’m sure your salmon buddies got the message loud and clear.”

“What did I say? I imagine all I said was, ‘So long, it’s been good to know ya’. What else would I have said?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been a salmon that I know of. What would a salmon say in that situation?”

“Holy fucking shit! I’m being eaten by a bear?”

“We think that’s what the salmon would think. But we’re thinking that with our human brains NOW, but maybe not. Maybe for salmon it is a different thing completely.”

“You have no idea how human you’re being right now, do you, Lamont. What your doing now — conjectures like that — are SOO human.”

“You’re right, Dude. It’s really hard not to be human when you are one.”

“I hear that, Lamont. At least you try.”

~~~

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/05/10/rdp-sunday-disagreeable/

Lamont and Dude Discuss Existential Doubt

“Lamont, you want a sandwich?”

“Whaddaya got?”

“Your favorite. Turkey breast, bacon, provolone and avocado.”

“That’s not my favorite. That’s Clarabelle or whoever’s favorite. You just can’t forget her, can you?”

Clarabelle????

“I don’t know her name. I can’t keep track. It seems like there’s one perky blond after another traipsing through here.”

Traipsing?”

“Whatever.”

“You’re in a mood.”

“Who wouldn’t be?”

“It’s actually cool you were a Columbian Mammoth. Why are you so hung up on being a wooly mammoth? Besides, who’s to say you WEREN’T a wooly mammoth? It was a long era.”

“That’s a good point, Dude. I don’t know why it matters so much.”

“I think I do, but if I say, you’ll hit me.”

“Just say it. If I hit you, you’ll get over it. You can always run.”

“You hate to be wrong. Especially about your earlier lives. You hate it. You’re afraid you might be, might be…”

“Might be what? We’ve BEEN giants. There’s no ‘might be’ involved there AT ALL.”

“You’re afraid you might be the fake you’ve been accused of being so often by the mainstream press and the scientific community.”

“I know I’m not a fake and you know it, too.”

“But still. You’re human. There’s always that lingering, existential doubt.”

“So you think I MIGHT have been a wooly mammoth in some iteration I can’t remember?”

“What if I leave out the avocado?”

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past iterations which gives them an uncanny perspective on life the universe and everything.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/03/29/rdp-sunday-sandwich/

Lamont and Dude Confront their Pasts

“Lamont, I have some big — and I mean big — news for you.”

“Calm down, Dude. There’s nothing — and I mean literally NOTHING — worth getting that excited about. How was the museum?”

“Great. Well, it’s closed to visitors. Regular employees are still working, but, you know, virus.”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to go.”

“They were short handed. The guy doing prelims on new fossils, well, dark times, but he’ll be back.”

“Yikes.”

“I found us.”

“What?”

“Us. And you were never a wooly mammoth, you big lug. There were no wooly mammoths here. Only Columbian mammoths. You were much, much larger.”

“Well, of course! Sometimes I disappoint me.”

“Remember all the times we talked about how weird it would be to run into ourselves in some lifetime?”

“Can’t happen without a time machine, Dude.”

“Well, that tar pit. If there’s a time machine anywhere it’s that tarpit. ANYHOO there are these wooden sheds in which the paleontologists put all the bones they find in a given week, all boxed and dated, for some grunt to clean up. I’m the grunt for now. I was working on a box, scraping off tar, dirt and time and…”

“Get to the point, Dude, what do you mean you ‘found us’?”

“Hang on, Lamont. It’s a really interesting story. So I’m scraping time’s detritus from the bones of these beasts and who’d believe it?”

“I probably won’t.”

“Cynicism is a cheap choice, Lamont.”

“Or earned through time and experience, Dude.”

“Fair enough. So in a box dated 15,000 years ago — that’s what I was working on today — I pulled out a huge bone, a mastodon tibia, weighed a ton, and a jaw, lower jaw, Smilodon jaw. I got a shock like a heavy electric current running through my whole body. Remember back when we were in that band?”

“I wasn’t in that band, Dude. That was your iteration, not mine.”

“Right, well, anyway, it was like when that idiot put the lava lamp in the sink thinking it would look cool in water, and anyway my mic was plugged into the same socket. A shock, just like that was. Then I knew. It was something important, for me, anyway. That place has mastodon tibias and Smilodon jaws coming out the yin-yang. I cleaned off the tibia and saw the tooth marks. I cleaned off the jaw. Sure enough. A beast knows its own mouth, right?”

“C’mon Dude, you can’t expect me to believe that.”

“You have this problem, Lamont. You think because you remember all those iterations that you remember them right. You don’t get everything right. You need to be more open to learning new things, well, in this case an old thing, but whatev’.”

“You’re saying I was a Columbian mammoth and you found me?”

“Yeah, Lamont. That’s just what I’m saying.”

“How in hell did you take me down, then? I was probably 14 feet tall and weighed ten tons!”

“That’s the thing. We’ve always imagined — I can’t call it ‘thought’ anymore, Lamont, because we were not informing ourselves. You can’t think without decent information. Now we can think about it. Smilodon didn’t hunt alone. They hunted in packs.”

“CATS? In PACKS???”

“Yep. So basically, I just did a number on your tibia. My mates took you down. It was a hot day, too, or we wouldn’t have wound up in the tar like that. I wasn’t even fully grown.”

“Good God, Dude. This is amazing.”

“Right? I learned something else about you, the mastodon.”

“What? Besides you were instrumental in my death?”

“Lamont, you were over sixty years old. I don’t think you were able to keep up with the herd any more. You were a very old mastodon and I was a very young Smilodon. This might have been my first hunt.”

“Dude.”

“Yeah. You want a beer?”

~~~

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them an unusual perspective on life, the universe and everything. If this entertained you and you’d like more, just type Lamont and Dude into the search bar on my blog. 🙂

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/03/22/rdp-sunday-hang-on/

Lamont and Dude Discuss Employment

“What’s going on out there?”

“Freestyle competition. Should be good.”

“Did you enter?”

“I don’t surf that way.”

“Dude, if it’s freestyle, you can surf anyway you want.”

“Well, yeah, but I’m not that interested in competing. I mean some of those guys — and young women — they’re from Hawaii and shit. A couple of them are from Australia. I just go out, you know, to go out.”

“OK so by ‘I don’t surf that way’ you mean ‘I don’t surf that well’.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s the mystique with Hawaii? Seriously, Dude, you LIVED in Hawaii.”

“It wasn’t a tropical island then, Lamont. You know that perfectly well. It was fucking cold.”

“I don’t think I stayed there long.”

“Who did?”

“It was for the birds.”

“Yeah.”

“What are you all dressed up for?”

“I’d rather not say.”

“You might as well, Lamont. I know you look at dating sites.”

“Yeah, so what? It’s just to remind me what I DON’T want. Why do you?”

“I dunno. Habit I guess. Those hormonal forces don’t surrender easily.”

“You’d think after several million years…”

“Right? So what is it in downtown San Diego that’s so important you have to wear your monkey suit?”

Monkey suit? You say it as if it’s a bad thing to be a monkey. You are one, er, ape or whatever.”

“You’re not going to tell me.”

“All right. I got a job.”

“You WHAT???”

“Yeah. On the evening news.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep.”

“I give it a week. You’ll make some off-target crack about body acceptance or intellectually challenged people and that’ll be it.”

“Very likely. But you have a job. Why shouldn’t I?”

“You could do what I do. You could wear a mastodon suit and I could kill you every week at the museum. It’d be great.”

~~~

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past lives which gives them an unusual perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/02/25/rdp-tuesday-sub-freestyle/