Lamont and Dude Discuss Recent Discoveries

“Ha ha ha ha!”

“What’s so funny, Lamont?”

“Like size = power. Ha ha ha!”

“What are you reading that’s so fucking funny?”

“Just got this in my email. Check it out. ‘…A Velociraptor that was more turkey than terror…'”

“Guess they were never chased by a turkey.”

“Don’t you love the way humans figure everything out all the time and then they’re wrong and then they figure everything out again and then they’re wrong and then…”

“It’s maddening. And then they hear things in plain sight…”


“You know, someone says something plain as day and they don’t see it.”

“Ah like ‘I don’t pay taxes. I’m smart’?”


“Nothing like the perfectly obvious to surprise a human.”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude Discuss Victory

“Lamont, do you remember vanquishing anything?”

“Well, I vanquished you that time you were a salmon. You were delicious. For that matter, I guess when you were a young Smilodon and I was an aged mammoth, you vanquished me but…”

“Doesn’t seem quite right, does it?”

“Why not? It’s kill or be killed out there and food is for eating.”

“I mean vanquishing is about destroying your enemy. I didn’t see you as my enemy back in the day, Lamont. I saw you as dinner.”

“Good point, Dude. Kind of the opposite of an enemy.”

“Right? What about the meteor? Weren’t we vanquished by the meteor?”

“No. By your logic there has to be enmity. That meteor didn’t even know we were there. That was just our bad luck.”

“For the meteor too. I don’t think it wanted to crash into a planet. I think it wanted to keep going.”

“Accepting your absurd theory that a meteor has desires and goals, I agree with you, Dude. But in real life? It was just a rock hurtling through space. Why are we having this conversation?”

“Well, first, the surf is pretty flat. Second, I was reading this morning that doctors all over the world are trying to ‘vanquish’ this virus.”

“Typical human anthropomorphization.”

“That’s a hell of a word. So the virus isn’t an enemy?”

“No. It’s a virus. Just a weird little not-quite-alive-not-exactly-not-alive microscopic thing floating around. Humans won’t ‘vanquish’ it. It will always be there. It has always been there; it just never affected them before.”

“I wish the surf would come up.”

“What about when the tide comes back?”

“Naw, not even then.”

“I hate this time of year.”

Lamont and Dude Contemplate Memory

“Here we are again, or still. Mother’s Day.”


“Yeah. What memories do you have of your mom, Lamont?”

“Well first of all, I’d never seen either of my parents before so they were both a complete surprise. You?”

“Never saw them before in my lives.”

“Funny, isn’t it? You’d think it would work out so we’d at least stay with the same family. How many human families can you remember?”

“It’s hard to say. Of course I remember the current one.”

“Well, yeah, they live in Encino. But previous ones?”

“Nothing. In fact, I don’t have a clear memory of any of my previous human incarnations. Just flickers here and there. I think that’s interesting. If we could clearly remember our human iterations we’d get better at the business of being human.”

“I’ve thought about that too, Dude. My theory is that human lives are filled with the repetition of so much trivial shit that when we exit we want to forget it all.”

“Ha ha ha, Lamont. I see you’ve returned to your usual cynical stuff, but I’ve had a similar thought. When you’re a velociraptor you’re involved in all kinds of kill-or-be-killed drama and running. It’s a lot different from that weekly trip to Costco.”

“I was thinking more that when I was an oak tree, I wasn’t driven to do anything but the usual seasonal stuff, bud, leaf out, bloom, wait for a lucky breeze to pollinate me, drop acorns. I could do all that without really thinking about it. I had time to contemplate reality.”

“That’s what you want to do with your life, Lamont? ‘Contemplate reality’?”

“It’s more interesting and a lot less disagreeable than driving on the 405.”

“That’s reality.”

“HUMAN reality. There’s more to reality than human reality. You know it, I know it. The problem is that NOW when we could tell people about it, we only have human language to do it with. That’s just wrong. Human language is for human experience. It’s so limiting.”

“I don’t know, Lamont. I don’t recall saying anything that time I was a salmon and you were a bear.”

“You said A LOT. I’m sure your salmon buddies got the message loud and clear.”

“What did I say? I imagine all I said was, ‘So long, it’s been good to know ya’. What else would I have said?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been a salmon that I know of. What would a salmon say in that situation?”

“Holy fucking shit! I’m being eaten by a bear?”

“We think that’s what the salmon would think. But we’re thinking that with our human brains NOW, but maybe not. Maybe for salmon it is a different thing completely.”

“You have no idea how human you’re being right now, do you, Lamont. What your doing now — conjectures like that — are SOO human.”

“You’re right, Dude. It’s really hard not to be human when you are one.”

“I hear that, Lamont. At least you try.”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude Discuss Existential Doubt

“Lamont, you want a sandwich?”

“Whaddaya got?”

“Your favorite. Turkey breast, bacon, provolone and avocado.”

“That’s not my favorite. That’s Clarabelle or whoever’s favorite. You just can’t forget her, can you?”


“I don’t know her name. I can’t keep track. It seems like there’s one perky blond after another traipsing through here.”



“You’re in a mood.”

“Who wouldn’t be?”

“It’s actually cool you were a Columbian Mammoth. Why are you so hung up on being a wooly mammoth? Besides, who’s to say you WEREN’T a wooly mammoth? It was a long era.”

“That’s a good point, Dude. I don’t know why it matters so much.”

“I think I do, but if I say, you’ll hit me.”

“Just say it. If I hit you, you’ll get over it. You can always run.”

“You hate to be wrong. Especially about your earlier lives. You hate it. You’re afraid you might be, might be…”

“Might be what? We’ve BEEN giants. There’s no ‘might be’ involved there AT ALL.”

“You’re afraid you might be the fake you’ve been accused of being so often by the mainstream press and the scientific community.”

“I know I’m not a fake and you know it, too.”

“But still. You’re human. There’s always that lingering, existential doubt.”

“So you think I MIGHT have been a wooly mammoth in some iteration I can’t remember?”

“What if I leave out the avocado?”

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past iterations which gives them an uncanny perspective on life the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude Confront their Pasts

“Lamont, I have some big — and I mean big — news for you.”

“Calm down, Dude. There’s nothing — and I mean literally NOTHING — worth getting that excited about. How was the museum?”

“Great. Well, it’s closed to visitors. Regular employees are still working, but, you know, virus.”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to go.”

“They were short handed. The guy doing prelims on new fossils, well, dark times, but he’ll be back.”


“I found us.”


“Us. And you were never a wooly mammoth, you big lug. There were no wooly mammoths here. Only Columbian mammoths. You were much, much larger.”

“Well, of course! Sometimes I disappoint me.”

“Remember all the times we talked about how weird it would be to run into ourselves in some lifetime?”

“Can’t happen without a time machine, Dude.”

“Well, that tar pit. If there’s a time machine anywhere it’s that tarpit. ANYHOO there are these wooden sheds in which the paleontologists put all the bones they find in a given week, all boxed and dated, for some grunt to clean up. I’m the grunt for now. I was working on a box, scraping off tar, dirt and time and…”

“Get to the point, Dude, what do you mean you ‘found us’?”

“Hang on, Lamont. It’s a really interesting story. So I’m scraping time’s detritus from the bones of these beasts and who’d believe it?”

“I probably won’t.”

“Cynicism is a cheap choice, Lamont.”

“Or earned through time and experience, Dude.”

“Fair enough. So in a box dated 15,000 years ago — that’s what I was working on today — I pulled out a huge bone, a mastodon tibia, weighed a ton, and a jaw, lower jaw, Smilodon jaw. I got a shock like a heavy electric current running through my whole body. Remember back when we were in that band?”

“I wasn’t in that band, Dude. That was your iteration, not mine.”

“Right, well, anyway, it was like when that idiot put the lava lamp in the sink thinking it would look cool in water, and anyway my mic was plugged into the same socket. A shock, just like that was. Then I knew. It was something important, for me, anyway. That place has mastodon tibias and Smilodon jaws coming out the yin-yang. I cleaned off the tibia and saw the tooth marks. I cleaned off the jaw. Sure enough. A beast knows its own mouth, right?”

“C’mon Dude, you can’t expect me to believe that.”

“You have this problem, Lamont. You think because you remember all those iterations that you remember them right. You don’t get everything right. You need to be more open to learning new things, well, in this case an old thing, but whatev’.”

“You’re saying I was a Columbian mammoth and you found me?”

“Yeah, Lamont. That’s just what I’m saying.”

“How in hell did you take me down, then? I was probably 14 feet tall and weighed ten tons!”

“That’s the thing. We’ve always imagined — I can’t call it ‘thought’ anymore, Lamont, because we were not informing ourselves. You can’t think without decent information. Now we can think about it. Smilodon didn’t hunt alone. They hunted in packs.”


“Yep. So basically, I just did a number on your tibia. My mates took you down. It was a hot day, too, or we wouldn’t have wound up in the tar like that. I wasn’t even fully grown.”

“Good God, Dude. This is amazing.”

“Right? I learned something else about you, the mastodon.”

“What? Besides you were instrumental in my death?”

“Lamont, you were over sixty years old. I don’t think you were able to keep up with the herd any more. You were a very old mastodon and I was a very young Smilodon. This might have been my first hunt.”


“Yeah. You want a beer?”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them an unusual perspective on life, the universe and everything. If this entertained you and you’d like more, just type Lamont and Dude into the search bar on my blog. 🙂

Lamont and Dude Discuss Employment

“What’s going on out there?”

“Freestyle competition. Should be good.”

“Did you enter?”

“I don’t surf that way.”

“Dude, if it’s freestyle, you can surf anyway you want.”

“Well, yeah, but I’m not that interested in competing. I mean some of those guys — and young women — they’re from Hawaii and shit. A couple of them are from Australia. I just go out, you know, to go out.”

“OK so by ‘I don’t surf that way’ you mean ‘I don’t surf that well’.”


“What’s the mystique with Hawaii? Seriously, Dude, you LIVED in Hawaii.”

“It wasn’t a tropical island then, Lamont. You know that perfectly well. It was fucking cold.”

“I don’t think I stayed there long.”

“Who did?”

“It was for the birds.”


“What are you all dressed up for?”

“I’d rather not say.”

“You might as well, Lamont. I know you look at dating sites.”

“Yeah, so what? It’s just to remind me what I DON’T want. Why do you?”

“I dunno. Habit I guess. Those hormonal forces don’t surrender easily.”

“You’d think after several million years…”

“Right? So what is it in downtown San Diego that’s so important you have to wear your monkey suit?”

Monkey suit? You say it as if it’s a bad thing to be a monkey. You are one, er, ape or whatever.”

“You’re not going to tell me.”

“All right. I got a job.”

“You WHAT???”

“Yeah. On the evening news.”



“I give it a week. You’ll make some off-target crack about body acceptance or intellectually challenged people and that’ll be it.”

“Very likely. But you have a job. Why shouldn’t I?”

“You could do what I do. You could wear a mastodon suit and I could kill you every week at the museum. It’d be great.”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past lives which gives them an unusual perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude Discuss 1976 Hit Songs

“What happened to that band, Lamont? Did they go extinct?”

“What Dude?”

“This radio station. you’ve been listening to. It’s playing a bunch a songs I haven’t even heard in this incarnation. I was sitting here having flashbacks and wondering what happened to these bands. It’s only been 44 years.”

“Jesus, Dude, bands don’t ‘go extinct’ in the real sense of extinction, not like we did, you know, several times over the eons.”

“Just a figure of speech. But seriously. Listen. This is so bad.”

“Yeah, that was the mid-70’s if I remember right. Rock didn’t know WHAT it was doing. That’s really ugly. I guess they hadn’t found their inner Aja yet.”

“Lots of songs about motorcycles, being a rebel and hitting the road, too.”

“That seems to be what rockers sing about when they don’t have anything else.”

“You’re all dressed up. What’s the occasion?”


“I thought she never wanted you back on the show after you insulted that woman of amplitude.”

“Is that how we’re referring to fat ladies now?”

“I know that’s better than what you said during your Q & A, ‘You there with your avoirdupois filling the back row.’ I liked Oprah’s retort, though. ‘Some talk coming from a former dinosaur.’ You have to admit, that was clever.”

“Not really. I am a former dinosaur just like size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXL really was filling the back row all on her own. I still don’t get why that woman got upset. I mean, it’s her body, right? To do with as she wants.”

“We live in strange time, Lamont, as you’ve said. Too bad you’re heading up to LA. The sets are breaking clean this morning.”

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude Discuss Birthdays

“What’s wrong, Lamont?”

“Another year gone.”


“Where you going?”

“Where does it look like?”

“Right. I didn’t see that.”

“If you didn’t see my surfboard, Lamont, you might want to get your eyes checked. C’mon. Lets grab a few before…”

“Before what? The apocalypse?”

“Wow. Don’t you have a TV interview later?”

“Yeah, but the thrill is gone.”

“Nothin’ left to say?”

“You’re joking.”


“Excuse me, but there are waves to catch. Enjoy your pity party.”



“Never mind.”

“Lamont, you’ve probably had a millions of birthdays already. What’s up with this one?”

“It’s that human curse, Dude. You’ve had it. Fucking mortality.”

“YOU are worried about mortality?”

“Don’t be so smug. Remember when you turned 46?”

“Oh yeah, that was bad. Wait, which time? Do I see a smile, Lamont? C’mon, do I? Do I?”

“Fuck off.”

“No, really which time?”

“Second to last, I think. You were all feeling sorry for yourself because you weren’t hot any more.”

“I was a chick?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I felt so sorry for you I had a birthday party. Do you remember this at all?”

“Whoa, was this when you were that bizarre Austrian Nazi piano restorer living behind his shop in Lemon Grove?”

“Yeah, that time.”

“Oh, Lamont, that was so sweet. How could I ever forget that! You put candles all over the floor from the front door to your apartment in back. You made potatoes and burned steak and melted cheese. You invited your two other friends.”

“That cheese was Raclette.”

“Yeah. Oh, Lamont. You’re right. I was pretty miserable that birthday.”

“Didn’t the party make you feel better?”

“So you want a party?”

“God no.”

“I can burn you a steak later. Will that help?”

“No, Dude. I’ll shake it off. Just what’s next?”

“What’s ever next?”

Thus It Was

I am being driven forward
Into an unknown land.
The pass grows steeper,
The air colder and sharper.
A wind from my unknown goal
Stirs the strings of expectation.

Still the question:
Shall I ever get there?
There where life resounds,
A clear pure note
In the silence.
Dag Hammarskjöld, Markings


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything. If this little story amused you, you can read HUNDREDS (yikes!) more by searching “Lamont and Dude.”

Lamont and Dude on New Years Morning

“The beach is a mess.”

“Yeah, it always is after New Years Eve.”

“I just don’t get it. How can people get so excited about this arbitrary celestial demarcation? I’ve been through the end of a lot of these so-called Decembers. It’s pretty much just more of the same the next day.”

“Lamont, I wonder if you’re ever going to understand humans are just…”

“In love with their little rituals? Let me tell you, those little rituals have caused more human deaths than scurvy.”


“First thing that came to mind. Of course, the Druids had it going on, I’ll give them that. Those rituals were full of fire and blood and mystery. And, of course, I was the center of all of it.”

“Ah, now the real reason. You could be the center of it now if you had a party on New Years Eve.”

“What? A lot of booze, scantily dressed women on the verge of scurvy, moldy hors d’oeuvres and bad music? Been there, done that.”

“Well, you know the thing is we’ve pretty much been every where and done everything.”

“EveryWHEN. That’s where we’ve been.”

“Remember that time you were holding those three champagne glasses between your fingers, and you fell down the steps?”

“Yeah, that was amazing. Ripped my jeans, broke none of the glasses.”

“That’s coordination, Lamont, and a clear illustration of your values at the time.”

“Surprising is what that was.”

“When was that?”

“The human iteration before this one, I think. In any case, we were young. You were a girl.”

“So were you.”

“True. What were we doing?”

“I dunno. Does anyone know what they’re doing in their 20s?”

“I would think we would.”

“I don’t remember remembering as much in that iteration as in this one.”

“Kind of a blessing, isn’t it, not remembering all that?”

“Maybe but you wouldn’t be on TV all the time if you didn’t remember all that, and I wouldn’t be nearly as convincing in the Smilodon suit.”

“I wonder what’s next?”

“I dunno. Who cares? Let’s clean up the beach then catch some waves.”

“I’ll get a coffee can for the broken glass.”

“Good idea. It seems that whatever the year, you always have to watch for glass on the beach.”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them an unusual perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Professional Jealousy

Warning: somewhat raunchy

“You got it! The whole thing. Windows facing the ocean. A desk as large as a skating rink. A parking space next to the elevator. And this cushy job. Way to go, Babs.”

“Don’t act like it’s gift from Santa or something.” The leggy blonde tossed her mane of shining champagne hair over her shoulder. “I worked and sacrificed for this.”

“We all do, for whatever we get,” sneered Ken. “Some of us sacrifice more than others.” Behind Ken’s bright white smile was a well of resentment. “I just wanted to be the first best-selling male doll. Look what I had to give up.”

“Ken, you didn’t ‘give up’ anything to become the first best-selling male doll. It’s the REASON there wasn’t one before you.” She tapped a pencil on her desk in disgust. “You know perfectly well that the developers couldn’t figure out the paradox. Should little kids see, you know, or should they just make you without, well, you know, the way they did. What man wants even to imagine the absence of, well, you know, even on a 12 inch plastic…”

“Why do we always have to go THERE?” asked Ken.

“YOU went there. I didn’t. This was supposed to be MY little celebration, just me and my best pals and a bottle of Dom Perignon. Why do you always do this? Turn everything to you and your…”

“Because he’s a conceited solipsistic jack-ass,” answered Joe. “Babs is right. Once you came out of production, the rest of us couldn’t have…”

“This isn’t about you, Ken, or you, Joe. Your stupid frat-boy complaints have no currency here. You’ve seen my new office, and now you two need to get out of here and get back to work.”

“Dammit, Babs…”

“I hate that, Joe. You know perfectly well what my name is. Babs. Really. Close the door on your way out.”

When they were gone, she poured half a bottle of champagne down the sink in the marble and gold executive bathroom adjoining her office. “Men,” she sighed, “or something.”