Lamont and Dude Reminisce about Continental Drift

“Dude? You up, too?”

“Another earthquake.”

“I hate it when we get earthquakes at night, and I don’t get to enjoy them. Just jolted awake, stunned, going, ‘What?’.”

“Especially when you know the really interesting ones are going come at rush hour.”

“That could be why they’re interesting.”

“True that. You going back to bed?”

“I don’t know. Maybe there will be some aftershocks.”

“You really like these things, don’t you, Lamont?”

“Nostalgia. You know how it is. I remember the glorious times of the shifting tectonic plates…”

“We’re still in those times, Lamont.”

“Yeah, I know. I just remember so vividly the moment when the Indian subcontinent crashed into Asia. Wheeeeee!”

“C’mon, Lamont. You can’t expect me to believe you felt that. The continents weren’t exactly sliding around like air-hockey pucks.”

“15 cm a year. That’s moving, if you’re a continent.”

“What were you?”

“I was a small meat-eating dinosaur with wing-like appendages.”

“Could you fly?”

“Nah. I wish. Weren’t you there?”

“Not that I recall. Maybe it was one of those dark times when I was a bacteria.”

“Maybe you were a tree. That would have been the best. As a tree you could have experienced a lot more of the whole drift thing. Maybe that explains your love of surfing.”

“Apropos of surfing, sun’s coming up. You want to…?”



Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude, Amused by Science

“Dude, you remember our short but wonderful period as velociraptors, right?”

“I think of it often. Why?”

“I was wondering. In any of your human iterations have you been a scientist of any kind?”

“Not that I recollect. You?”

“Never. I’m asking because yesterday I read a very timely article about us — back then us, not now us — and it looks like some scientist has made a world-shaking…”

“You mean like a Brontosaurus?”

“Good one, Dude. He’s decided that the tree human scientists have made up — important, made up — has been wrong all this time and velociraptors actually belong in the OPPOSITE category. This has rocked the world of science, Dude. I find that hilarious. Look at this thing. Any idiot looking at our skeleton is going to see a California condor, am I right?”



“That is pretty funny. Nothing like the obvious to confuse the shit out of a human. But, you know how we are. We always want a neat category to put stuff in, and then we get very loyal to those categories, right?”

“But 9 times out of 10 we invent the categories we put stuff in then we call it ‘fact’ when, as in this case, it’s only a combination of tradition and conjecture.”

“That’s humans for you. Remember when they decided the Brontosaurus never existed and then changed their mind and said it did?”

“I could sure go for a nice flank of Bronto thrown on the barbie, couldn’t you, Dude?”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude Discuss the Meaning of Life

“How can you say it’s meaningless?”

“It is. Intrinsically, it’s meaningless. It might be meaningful to you, but that’s as far as it goes.”

“Lamont, are you sure you’re not a nihilist?”

“I’m sure. If I were, would I keep coming back? I don’t know why it bothers you so much that it’s meaningless. It’s really a good thing.”

“How do you figure that?”

“It’s like a work of art. You do it. You take pleasure in the doing of it and you’re in love with it for a while, then you put it away and go on to the next thing. Maybe someone likes it and maybe they want it because it has meaning for them. I mean, aren’t there things others do that you don’t ever ever want to do?”

“Oh yeah. But really, Lamont, after all these times coming back I think we should know the meaning of life.”

“Dude, what did life mean to you back when you were a single cell creature? Did you even have consciousness?”

“No, not per se.”

“Well, there you go. You got eaten, am I right?”

“We all pretty much always get eaten unless we’re top predators. And then we get eaten post mortem.”

“If we have any meaning at all, it’s as food.”

“Wow. Your philosophy is so bleak, Lamont.”

“Not as bleak as trying to make sense out of Heidegger.”

“Oh! That’s right! I keep forgetting! You were once a philosophy professor!”

“Metaphysics, no less. It made me yearn for my time as a…”

“Woolly Mammoth?”

“No, silly. Velociraptor. I wish that iteration had not been so violently and conclusively aborted.”

“I’m with you, man. Maybe that’s the source of your despairing life view?”



Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. Because they remember many of their past incarnations, they have a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude Murmur Sweet Nothings


“A murmuration of starlings. I guess because of the noise they make.”

“Good lord. Well, they are certainly murmuratious, that’s indisputable.”

“Yeah. Murderous, too. I just came in from outside and I had to walk past their nest. I thought that mom was going to peck a hole in my head!”

“That would be redundant.”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Dude’s Existential Crisis

“Dude! Where you been?”

“Taking stock.”

“Where? Out to the auction east of town?”

“No, Lamont. Taking stock of my life.”

“What’s the net outcome? Fish?”

“You are really funny this morning.”

“Sorry, Dude. I was just trying to cheer you up.”

“Forget that. It doesn’t add up, Lamont. I try hard, do the best I can, and what do I have to show for it?”

“A really great surfboard collection and a lot of Sex Wax?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Pitiful. I coulda’ been a contender, Lamont. If only if I hadn’t held back, hesitated, I could have reached my full potential.”

“Oh, Dude. Everyone feels that way at least once, but the thing is, you’re just a guy. You’ve just reached that point in this lifetime that you’re questioning your reason for being. You need to take a longer view.”

“What’s that?”

“This isn’t your first rodeo. Think of some of the others. How did they turn out?”

“Lots of different ways. There was the swamp drying out, there was the time I got blasted into two, four, six, eight parts until I couldn’t even find myself any more, there was the meteor — of course the meteor, there was old age, there was the fire in the forest set by those stupid Druids, there was the spring I didn’t wake up in my cave — bad salmon, I think, got me in the night but who knows…”

“You don’t see a pattern?”

“No, not really.”

“Dude, c’mon. How do the stories turn out?”


“I thought that was pretty obvious to an old-timer like you. As the poet has written…”

“Which poet?”

“Shut up and listen while I declaim…”

Yesterday This Day’s Madness did prepare;
To-morrow’s Silence, Triumph, or Despair:
Drink! for you know not whence you came, nor why:
Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where.

“Hmmm. So you think this is just one of life’s phases, this ‘taking stock’?”

“More like several of life’s phases. You’ll do it again next time.”

“I think I see why you like to be a tree.”



Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them an unusual perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude Reminisce; to Live and Die in L.A. 10,000 Years Ago


“I was wondering, Lamont, what’s the scariest sound you remember hearing?”

“Earthquake. Big mofo of an earthquake. Thunder where it is absolutely NOT supposed to be.”

“Oh yeah.”

“The earth split open as if it were a cartoon or something, you know? None of this incremental basin and range stuff. It was the real deal.”

“Where were you?”

“We! You don’t remember much, do you, Dude.”

“Probably being hit in the head by a surfboard so many times. Where were we?”


“Both of us?”


“Did we get out?”

Lamont and Dude Chide Each Other on Valentine’s Day

“So, Dude, what are you doing with your sweetie on this Valentine’s Day?”

“I hate Valentine’s Day. There’s no way I ever get it right.”

“Never? Not through all the millennia?”

“Nope. I was thinking of back in my time as an Inuit, I got up early, cut a heart-shaped hole in the ice so we could ice-fish together but that wasn’t what she wanted. She was expecting a box of whale blubber.”


“No, that’s a joke. What are you and your sweetie doing on this fine Valentine’s Day?”

“What ‘sweetie’?”

“I thought maybe you had a sweetie by now. How long has life existed on the planet?”

Lamont and Dude Discuss Romance Novels

He leaned closer, closer, his lower lip trembling as he leaned in to kiss her. The moment for which he’d yearned, she had yearned. 

“You really want to write that, Lamont?”

“God no. Yuck.”

“So why are you?”

“Money, Dude, money and maybe fame.”

“Fame as a romance writer?”

“Well, why not?”

“I’m having a hard time imagining you in a big floppy hat, and gauze dress.”

“Voile. Voile dress.”

“OK, voile. What’s the difference?”


“So what happens after the kiss and the trembling?”

“I have to tell you? That’s sad. I thought you’d have experienced it at least once in the preceding millennia.”

“I’m interested in your characters, Lamont. Clearly they’ve been yearning.”

“Oh Dude. The really interesting trembling was back a thousand years ago. Of course, that time, I ran.”

“Were you an Indian, Lamont? An Anasazi? That would be so awesome to be an Anasazi and trade with the Aztecs for parrot feathers.”

“Seriously, Dude? That’s your reason?”

“Well, yeah. Imagine how it would be to trade with Aztecs.”

“I was a coyote, Dude. I just hightailed it out of there when the ground started shaking. I knew nothing good was coming.’

“What happened?”

“Turned out to be a volcano.”

“Did you see it erupt, Lamont?”

“Hell no. I was coyote. I didn’t look over my shoulder. I just got the hell out of there.”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with 3 years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Three Years of Lamont and Dude! :)

Lamont and Dude fans, Lamont found Dude three years ago today, on the beach waiting for luv. They emerged as a response to something WP used to offer which was a photo to which one could respond with a 1000 word story or something. Here it is…


“It’ll have to show up sooner or later. The way the tides work? There’s no way it won’t. She said she put it in the water at Santa Margarita. I’ll wait. I’ll prove my faith and love by squatting here on the shore until it arrives. I know it’ll be great, everything, everything I ever wanted. It’s like her to do this instead of just picking up the phone or writing a letter. Ok, so, where is it? She’s right, you know? Patience is a virtue I really do not have. This will help me cultivate it. I’ll wait and hope it doesn’t rain, but it’s still fucking cold, damn, why didn’t I bring a wet suit or something? At least wear clothes. OH WELL. OK, so I can see it from up here, but what if I can’t get down there in time to pick it up? What if it gets carried on a current or something and then I never get it? What about the important information she was – she said she was, but she could be lying, that’s certainly, wait, she could be lying about the whole thing, maybe it’s not even. What did she actually say? Did she say she WAS sending it or that she might as WELL be sending it? Oh shit, I hate that. Everything she says is so perfect, so beautiful, I should write it all down for posterity, it should always be remembered, like the words I KNOW are coming to me, here on this promontory of sand. We’re all on promontories of sand, come to it. Everything washes away sooner or later, and I will, too, and who the fuck knows but I’ll die here waiting? Maybe a tsunami will come and wash this whole fragile promontory away and then? She’ll be sorry, that’s ‘and then’. Sorry she couldn’t just pick up the fucking phone! It’s not like… OH well, there’s that patience thing again. If I could just master that! Man, my life would be so much easier, I’d be so much calmer, I wouldn’t blow the little things out of proportion! I’d get the big picture, right?”

Waves hit the beach, wave after wave after wave. Night falls. The stars come out above the layer of fog on top of the ocean. Our hero persists; waiting, waiting for what?

photo-jun-05-10-40-37-pm“This reminds me of something, what is it? Something from college, from English class, something that seemed particularly pointless, and turned out to be totally and completely pointless. Perhaps everything is pointless, actually. Even this, even this, her, she, me, I, us, we – how can I know? There is no crystal ball, no way to read the future. It’s just this. Squatting for hours on life’s sandy promontory waiting for. I could leave! I could leave and come back tomorrow and see if the tide dropped it along with the sand dollars, the shells, the broken glass, the kelp and some guy’s broken flip flop, but…”


“Someone’s HERE?”

“DUDE! Yo!”



“Nothing, I mean nothing so far. I’m waiting for…”

“Christmas? I saw you here yesterday, dude. You haven’t even hardly moved.”

“No. Moving would be faithless. This is a test of faith.”

“In fucking WHAT?”

“Her. My love. This is a test of faith and a lesson in patience.”

“You’re squatting here waiting for a WOMAN? Unreal, dude. Why?”

“No. I’m not waiting for a woman. I’m waiting to hear from her, from the one I love, my beloved across the sea.”

“Have you tried email? I hear good things about it. The phone seems fairly popular as well. You want half of my breakfast burrito? It’s eggs and chorizo.”

“Hmmmmm. Wow. Yeah, I’m hungry, I am, but no, no, part of this, I must fast. I must prove my worthiness.”

“You’re more worthy if you’re HUNGRY? Wow. What miracle play did you drop out of, man?”

“I took a vow. I would wait here until I heard from her.”

“Where is she?”

“Santa Margarita.”

“That’s only two miles up the coast.”

“Not that Santa Margarita. The one in Italy.”

“ITALY? And what’s she doing, dude? Sailing?”

“No, she wrote me a message. I’m waiting for it.”

“There is no fucking mailbox anywhere around here, dude. How are you going to get a message? You sure you don’t want some of this burrito? It’s yummy and you look hungry.”

“Thanks, that’s very kind, but no. I – well, yeah, just a bite, just tear off a bite.”


“Wow. That is great, that hits the spot. You wouldn’t have a soda would you?”

“Back at my place. You wanna’ come back to my place? I can fix you some coffee or something.”

“No, no, no, I have to wait. It will have to arrive today. I looked at the charts of the tides, everything, and it should be today. Any time now.”

“What IS it for the love of Pete?”

“It’s – wait – that’s it! It’s here! It’s here! I gotta’ go get it.”

“Watch yourself, dude. It’s steep. Don’t fall or all this waiting will have been a waste of time. Where is it, anyway? What is it?”

“There, see it?”

“That’s TRASH dude!”

“No, no, no, no that’s a bottle with a cork in it, a wine bottle, our favorite wine.”

“You got a bottle of wine floating on the ocean? That’s not gonna’ happen, man. Wine sinks.”

“No, it’s a bottle that held our favorite wine. Inside, inside, look just wait here. I’ll go get it and…”

“What a FREAK! That dude has been sitting here for three days waiting for a wine bottle to float here from Italy! Some message in a bottle number, yeah, look at that.”

“I can’t get the cork out!”

“Probably swoll all up in the water.”

“What should I do?”

“Break the bottle, get the message.”

“No! I can’t do that! How will I send a message back?”

“The phone? Like I mentioned before?”

Lamont and Dude Discuss Education

“Good morning, Dude. What’s all that?”

“I’m overwhelmed, Lamont. I don’t know how I’m going to get through all this.”

“What is it?”

“I’ve decided to get an education. These are applications for school, for financial aid, the whole enchilada.”

“That’s one of the strangest sentences.”

“‘The whole enchilada’? It’s an idiom.”

“No, Dude. ‘I’ve decided to get an education’. That’s one thing everyone gets whether they decide to or not. Well, I’ll leave you to it.”

“Do you need something, Lamont? I mean what brought you over here?”

“I got a couple of boards in the back of my truck. Demo boards. I thought you might want to try one of them out.”

“You mean like freebies?”

“Yeah, but you’re clearly too busy to ride. Maybe next time.”

“Lamont, wait! Let’s go. The deadline for this stuff isn’t until midnight. Let’s make the waves great again.”



Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. They are unique in that they remember many of their earlier incarnations. This gives them a different perspective on life, the universe and everything.