Lamont and Dude Discuss the Miss America Pageant

Hey Dude, listen to this: “The Miss America pageant will end its swimsuit competition. ‘We are not going to judge you on your outward appearance,’ the chairwoman said.” New York Times

“What Lamont?”

“No more swimsuits in the Miss America Pageant.”

“Rats.”

“Yeah. Probably replace it with a sitcom.”

“Why not?”

“Superficial. Female proportions are now considered superficial.”

“That’s bullshit. They’re not superficial. I remember back in the day — do you, Lamont? Our Neanderthal times?”

“I wasn’t there, Dude.”

“Oh right. Homosapien.”

“Through and through.”

“You think.”

“I know!”

“I didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers, Lamont. So what’s the thing with the bathing suits?”

“It’s not getting the ratings it once did, and it’s now considered misogynistic.”

“Ah. Back in the day…”

“We didn’t wear clothes back in the day, not us nor you low-browed, knuckle-draggers. The way I see it, the beauty contest is one way to illustrate how powerfully the homosapiens prevailed.”

“It’s not about that, Lamont. It’s about if a pack of dire wolves or smilodon is after your family can your wife pick up a couple of kids and run away. I think that’s the underlying motive behind the swimsuit competition. The winner should be the one most likely to survive.”

“I get your point, Dude, but that doesn’t explain that lumpy little Venus of whatever, you know?”

“Willendorf. And we don’t call her ‘Venus’ any more. Just ‘Woman of Willendorf’.”

“Whatever. That perpetually pregnant lump of rock used to justify modern obesity.”

“That was our dream, Lamont. You know, for a guy who remembers his oak tree days so well and can reminisce over his moments of bearness with such detail memories, you really seem to have blotted out a lot from your human iterations.”

“I didn’t like them much. What do you mean ‘that was our dream’?”

“Plenty to eat and no predators to run from.”

“I guess we’re there now.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

 

 

https://ginlemonade.com/2018/06/05/ragtag-daily-prompt-sitcom/

Lamont and Dude Look Back, but Not Very Far

A long, long time ago in an online paradise known as WordPress, there was a thing called the “DPChallenge.” It appeared on Tuesdays and it was pretty cool. It proffered a slightly more interesting challenge than the Daily Prompt of days of yore. I always enjoyed writing to it.

One day in February 2014 this prompt was posted. It consisted of some pictures and the instructions to write 1000 words, the idea being that a picture is worth at LEAST that.

Out of this prompt the dynamic duo of Lamont and Dude came into being. Lamont and Dude evolved and changed (as we are all wont to do here on WordPress), but their essential nature has not changed, not through the millennia and numerous incarnations in which they’ve roamed — or not roamed, depending — the planet. For those who might not know, Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with four years ago in response to this particular prompt! They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

Lamont and Dude are beloved by a handful of loyal readers, some of whom have suggested I compile their stories into a legit book. I have given some thought to that, but it’s pretty complicated and/or I’m pretty lazy.

So… if you would like, as a retrospective, to read Lamont and Dude’s first adventure,  here it is! Dude’s Love Story

***

The DPChallenge went away and no one even noticed. Well, I noticed because I liked it, but generally once it was gone it was gone. My grandpa compared human life to a finger dipped into a bucket filled with water. It makes a stir (ha ha) when you put it in, but once you take it out again, the water returns to its static point in a matter of seconds. You can argue that some of the water comes out with your finger, but it’s negligible. This, I believe, will be the story with the Daily Prompt which meets its demise today. It’s a mystery to me why the powers of WordPress felt they had to kill something that works, but kill it they will. Yesterday 259 people wrote the prompt and generally it seems to hold steady at around 200 participants. That isn’t a lot, really. Maybe that’s the reason for killing it. Anyway, a lot of people will miss it. I know from my own blog and its readers, many more peope go to the grid for something to read than write the Daily Prompt.

There’s a theory afloat that it’s because WP wants us to have business accounts. The fact is, I have four other blogs on WordPress, five in total including this one, all of which I pay for. I rely on WordPress to host the websites of my books. Many of the books I’ve sold as a business client of WordPress were through connections made via the Daily Prompt. Basically, killing the Daily Prompt is taking away an effective arm of my marketing stragedy. That kind of pisses me off, frankly.

OH well…

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/afterthought/

Lamont and Dude Discuss Smilodon Ambitions

“Dude.”

“‘ssup?”

“You’re famous among the feline races. Did you know? They want to be smilodons or think they might have been smilodons in the remote past. There’s such a house feline in Switzerland, Tabby T. Cat and one in Colorado named Lucy.”

“It’s just a suit, Lamont.”

“I know that. You know that, but it appears that some of our feline neighbors are manipulating their humans into writing blogs for them in which they express smilodon dreams.”

“What are you on, Lamont? You know today’s marijuana is not the marijuana of any of your youths, right?”

“I don’t think you should be asking me that. Maybe the humans who transcribe the thoughts of their cats need that warning, not me.”

“Remember our non-human lives, Lamont? We DID communicate without language. There was always the fear that the prey would read our minds and know our plans. Who’s to say the felines AREN’T communicating with their people? Maybe these cats, tell all this to their humans. I don’t think we should reject the whole idea prematurely.”

“But why a blog?”

“That is a good question.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/premature/

Dude Wakes Up and Smells the Coffee

“Dude! Dude! Wake up! Dude! You’re supposed to be on Wilshire Boulevard in 2 hours. I don’t think you’re going to make it!”

“Wha??? Where am I? Chief?”

“You were dreaming, Dude. Some gawdawful thing that made you scream ‘moider’ every few minutes.”

“Oh Lamont! Thank Whatever! You’re ALIVE!!!!”

“Don’t kiss my hand, good grief, Dude. You just had a dream. But you have to get up and out of here with your Smilodon suit. Seriously.” Two hours is barely enough time.”

“You’re not dead?”

“Not as of now, no. But the future is certain and the end is always near.”

“Ha ha. I’ll tell you my dream when I get home. It was wacko. It was like we were in a parallel universe or something.”

“Not surprising. Every time you drink red wine with your ravioli you have nightmares.”

“That’s true. Well, I’m off.”

“True enough. Drive carefully and have fun up there in La-La Land. Here’s your coffee.”

***

This is part 4 in a four part series. To find out how our heroes got to this point…

Episode 1 in this series

Episode 2 in this series

Episode 3 in this series.

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations. This gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/parallel/

Dude Starts to Believe in Kafka — or Laurel and Hardy

“You should be interviewing me as a witness not a suspect. I saw the whole thing and it WASN’T moider, not in any normal sense, anyway.”

“When is moider normal?”

“That’s not the point.”

“It’s a point.”

“Granted, but the question here is how did Lamont die? And I have the answer to that. You should be interested.”

“He came flying outta’ that window. You probably pushed him.”

“Why would I push him? He’s my best friend.”

“You know the answer to that better than anyone, Dude. Yer coming to the station.”

“Whatever. But you should really go upstairs and talk to those people. They were there, too, when Lamont…”

“When you pushed him?”

“I didn’t push him.”

“I’ll take over, Chief. I’m Detective Inspector Ryan.”

“This isn’t your jurisdiction, Detective Inspector.”

“It is now. What do we have here?”

“This is my friend, Lamont. We were having dinner with friends upstairs, and there was an earthquake. Lamont was sitting on the windowsill with a plate of raviolis at the moment the quake hit.”

“Uh-uh. And what time was the earthquake?”

“I don’t know, thirty minutes ago? You must’ve felt it.”

“I’m going to have to check that out with the USGS, meanwhile, I’m arresting you on suspicion of murdering Lamont, Lamont, Lamont. What was his full name.”

“Lamont. That was it. At our ages, we pretty much gave up on the idea of surnames. I mean, you come around a few dozen times and what is the whole point of parentage, right?”

“You seem familiar. So does your friend. Have you been at the Tar Pits lately?”

“Yeah, this afternoon, why?”

“Were you dressed as a Smilodon?”

“Yeah, but how could you know that?”

“Your voice. Could you do a scary Smilodon roar for me?”

“Really, Detective Inspector, what does that have to do with anything?”

“It’s pretty amazing, Chief. You’d think this guy was ACTUALLY a Smilodon!”

“I was. In a previous incarnation. Look, are you guys in the LEAST interested in what happened to my friend, Lamont?”

“Wait a minute. You guys were on TV, right? On Ellen?”

“Yeah, Chief, but that was a while back.”

“I NEVER miss Ellen. You and your buddy here knew each before when you were like fish and bears and stuff, right? I thought you were just a couple of cranks.”

“What about Lamont???”

“We’re going to take you in for questioning on suspicion of murder, Mr. Smilodon. Here, let me cuff you.”

Previous Episode….

Lamont (RIP) and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past lives which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/crank/

Dude Talks to a Copper

“You’re gonna’ sing, mister.”

“Sing what?”

“You know. Your confession. You’re going to rat out all your buddies and lay it all out and then you’re going to live in a ticky-tacky suburban house under an assumed name with legit ID. You got it? Better than the pen.”

“This one for sure. It’s all dried out.”

“Gimmie’ that.”

“Why would I ‘sing’ if I wasn’t even there…”

“So you knew the guy who was moidered?”

“How do you know he was murdered?”

“Moidered. You were standing right there at the scene when we were called. It had to be you.”

“No, it didn’t ‘had to be me’. You ought to do a little investigating. I think that would be your next step. Hold me if you think you have to, but to do that you have to charge me.”

“I’m charging you with moidering Lamont P. Ravioli.”

“This is absurd. The guy’s name was ‘Lamont Ravioli’?”

“As far as we know.”

“Usually the first thing that happens in an investigation is you ID the victim.”

“We know he was Lamont.”

“I know he was ‘Lamont’, too. Where did the ‘ravioli’ come from?”

“His shirt. What’s your full name?”

“Dude.”

“I asked you your full name!”

“That’s it. My name is Dude. I had it legally changed years and years ago.”

“Awright. If you say so.”

“Yeah, well, I’d know if anyone does.”

“Were you acquainted with the deceased?”

“I’ve known him most of my lives.”

Lives????”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have (or had) the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives (gave?) them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/song/

Let’s Do It Again…

“So what would you call this TV show, Lamont?”

“Some names have been tossed around. ‘First You Die and Then You Die,’ didn’t fly but I thought it was funny.”

“You see the challenge, don’t you?”

“I see a lot of challenges. Which one are you referring to?”

“Death is not a cheerful subject for most people.”

“That’s true, and I had thought of that. Most people don’t see it as the gateway to a possible incarnation as an oak tree. They probably think all oak trees are identical, not a network of unique beings.”

“No.”

“I don’t think they’re even ready for a consequenceless afterlife.”

“No. They would see coming back as a bug a bad thing.”

“It’s not. It’s a pretty good life. Plenty of food, that part’s good, but predators. A bug’s life is usually pretty short.”

“They don’t see that as good thing, either.”

“There’s no ‘good’ Dude. No ‘bad’. It’s just what it is.”

“I know that. It’s difficult to… I try to live in the moment. That doesn’t come back as an oak tree, velociraptor, anything.”

“You got me there, Dude. So no on the TV show?”

“I told you, Lamont. I’m not doing it.”

“I guess you’re right. I thought it might be fun, but if we can’t even name it…”

“People don’t believe us, anyway. Grab your board. Let’s catch some waves.”

***

Part One: Lamont and Dude discuss their Own TV Show

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. Because they remember many of their past incarnations, they have a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/identical/

Lamont and Dude Discuss their Own TV Show

“Dude.”

“‘ssup?”

“We’ve been invited to pilot a television talk show.”

“Like Ellen?”

“I don’t think we’ll be in the least like Ellen.”

“Naw, Lamont. You can do it. It’s not my thing, you know, television. Talking to a television audience, none of that. Naw. I don’t want to. I’m not like you. I don’t have your sardonic outlook and your pithy turn of phrase.”

“They want you to appear as a smilodon.”

“I’m not a smilodon any more, well, except on weekends.”

“What if I tell you it’s a kid’s talk show with a decided political bias to which you subscribe?”

“Huh?”

“The idea is that we subtly make the point…”

“You’ve never made a subtle point in your lives, Lamont.”

“OK, but the idea is that we gently assert…”

“You’ve never asserted gently, Lamont. It’s not you.”

“We are going to help kids understand how important it is to take care of the planet because maybe they were once dandelions, ladybugs and velociraptors.”

“I think kids would like to be velociraptors. The ones I see up there in LA on weekends, anyway. They definitely like pretending to be smilodons. It’s not far psychologically from smilodon to velociraptor.”

“There you go. Now will you do it? It was your smilodon performance that made the network interested.”

“ME?”

“Are you blushing?”

“Shut up.”

***

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/blush/

Lamont and Dude Debrief

“How’d it go?”

“It was all right. Thanks for hooking me up to that Youtube video of you at the museum.”

“No prob.”

“Did you watch the show?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you think?”

“I think it’s amazing we seem to be the only two living creatures who remember all that stuff.”

“I have thought that, too. But then I asked myself, ‘Have I ever remembered this stuff before?’ And no, I haven’t.”

“Me neither.”

“So how did this happen?”

“Do you think maybe it’s, you know, we’re just a couple of rubes who accidentally got hypnotized once when we were hanging out at the beach, Venice Beach maybe?”

“Maybe. Maybe it was something like that.”

“You know, maybe we were watching for the Green Ray and a hypnotist was there.”

“You know, Dude, it could have been a hypnotist, but maybe he was hypnotizing someone  so they could have a past life regression. In that case, it’s both real and artificially stimulated, you know?”

“Hmm. So it’s just coincidence that we happen to have been alive together all those times?”

“No, not really. It’s the paradox of the universe which is simultaneously infinite and finite. As you know, matter and energy are never lost.”

“Whoa.”

“Yeah.”

***

Lamont and his pal, Dude, are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

Part One is Here

Part Two is Here

Part Three is Here

Part Four is Here

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/rube/

Spirit Guide

“Well, Lamont, before we wind this up, what are you and your friend, Dude, doing these days?”

“Dude got a weekend job at the La Brea Tarpits as a — you’ll never believe this — a Smilodon, that is, Saber Toothed Cat. It’s totally unbelievable, and I mean that literally. Little kids come up to him and pet him, and touch his fangs, and get their pictures taken with him. It’s Disney as hell. Dude says wearing that costume is like being in a furnace.”

“Wasn’t Dude once a Saber Toothed Cat?”

“He was.”

“So, if he knows how they act, shouldn’t he try to be, you know, authentic?”

“I don’t think that would go over very well with the kiddies. Too much blood. Saber toothed cats, you know. Besides, he IS authentic; authentic Dude. Dude’s a super friendly guy, always falling in love, thinks children are cute. I like him in spite of all that, but…”

“What do you two do in your free time? I know your lecturing keeps you on the road a lot, but other than wearing a Smilodon quadsuit, I mean, that can’t be a full-time job for Dude.”

“You’d be surprised. Dude works a lot, plus it’s a hell of a commute up the 405 every weekend.  And he surfs every day he’s not working, and he shapes boards parttime. We share payments on a house down in San Diego, on the boardwalk between Mission and PB, you know. Dude loves it. Lots of girls. Decent sets. Sometimes we head down to Sunset Cliffs.”

“Do you surf, too?”

“Yeah, but I’m not as deep into as Dude. Between us, and however many viewers are up watching this show at godawful o’clock in the still-dark am hours, I think he feels most like a Smilodon when he’s surfing.”

“Cats in the ocean?”

“It’s not about being a cat, Tom. It’s the spirit of the thing. You asked me earlier what my favorite incarnation was, well, Dude’s was probably the time he was a Smilodon.”

“Were you there for that?”

“Was I there? I was DINNER.”

“Where was that?”

“Up in what’s now LA, oddly enough, the La Brea Tarpits. Those were great times in a lot of ways. I liked the Ice Age. It was a long period, and I got to come around a couple of times. I had my first human iteration back then. Didn’t last long. Lots of really big animals — like myself. I was a Wooly Mammoth.”

“And Dude ATE you?”

“He had help. A pack of Dire Wolves and a couple of Smilodon ‘buddies’ though they — you know — cats aren’t really buddies. And, the tar pits. Nasty. Water on top, leaves, debris. Looks like a pond. It’s pretty easy for an unwary six ton animal to find himself in trouble — and those wolves were smart. They knew how to drive us in there. It was awful, no way around it. But that’s nature. Kill or be killed.”

“Does it have to be that way, though?”

“Seriously, Trish? Yes, it has to be that way. It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a good thing. It’s just how it is.”

“You could seriously kill someone, is that what you’re saying?”

“I don’t want to, not in this iteration, but you know, when Dude was a salmon and I was a hungry bear, sure, yeah.”

“We’re about out of time, Lamont. Do you have any words of wisdom or a message for our audience?”

“Not really, well, maybe this. Whoever or whatever you are today you were something else once and you’ll be something else again. Everything and everyone around you could’ve been you. Think about that.”

“Thanks, Lamont, for being on our show! I’m sure you’ve given our viewers, uh, food for thought. Be sure to catch Lamont’s podcasts and look for his TED talks!”

 

 

Part One is Here

Part Two is Here

Part Three is Here

***

Lamont and his pal, Dude, are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/costume/