I Dunno’

I hope everyone who celebrates a winter holiday has had a good one! As for me, this morning, I’m not in a jovial mood, just sort of here, even though yesterday I was surprised by being invited to Christmas dinner at Elizabeth’s house, something I really love. We had a wonderful time.

A feeble flurry of snow is struggling out there ahead of a storm that will blow through at 55 mph gusts, not predicted to give the desiccated San Luis Valley much in the way of water. Winter is trying very hard to arrive and I am pretty sure that, at some point, it will. Godnose Bear and I will be out there to welcome it joyfully, with open arms and digging paws and grateful fields. And, according to my calculations, the next mail delivery will bring seed catalogs.

A hundred books arrived Saturday in a box too small for them. The bottom had all but dropped out, and I am just honoring UPS for taping it all together. I will probably dive into them later today.

Is it a normal thing for someone at my stage of life to wonder if they did good? If they did the best they could with their allotment of years? I was thinking after my reading at the museum that maybe I missed something along the way, and then I thought, “You couldn’t have done that until now, and, Sweet Cheeks, it was no big deal. 9 elderly people (the youngest was 55) in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. You hardly saved the world in that one.” Another part of me answered, “Yeah, but they enjoyed it. They lost themselves for an hour. One of them said it changed the way he sees China.” Then the first part said, “That’s good, but really, hardly the Nobel Prize.” Then the second voice said, “Should I have striven for the Nobel Prize? It was hard enough earning a living!”

Maybe we all sometimes wonder if we missed the bus with our name on it. Anyway, I guess if I DID miss that bus, it’s too late now. 😀

11 thoughts on “I Dunno’

  1. I think I’ve been going through something similar this last year.(Better late than never.) I’m learning that it takes time to do the work. (A couple of therapy sessions helped!) What will rise to the surface when those voices stop their squabbling? I hope you will recall the good you’ve done — the people you’ve helped and are helping even now, with your blog. Even today, thank you for your honesty: who else says what you say? It’s so rare when mostly we get “Ra -ra I’m perfect and you can be too”. You touch people and it’s all precious. Things will settle.

  2. I think it’s quite normal for creative types to think about what we’ve accomplished, if anything, in this old world, or ponder opportunities we may have missed because we chased took a turn that led to a dead end and we had to backtrack.
    I know people who, once yesterday’s gone, forge ahead and never revisit past mistakes. More power to them (as long as they learn something along the way.) But I’m me and I do. You’re you and you do, too, sounds like. So let’s call it a normal — but passing — grey cloud — holding no refreshing rain.
    I feel almost guilty telling you that our world is getting whiter by the hour. I hope your turn will come soon.

    • Don’t feel guilty about that. We’re just happy someone somewhere is getting snow! BUT I know I’m going to feel a lot more cheerful when/if it starts to fall. Thank you for the understanding and encouragement.

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