Early Morning

For the last couple of months I’ve been attempting to help a friend who has been in dark night of the soul for a long time. I attempted even when I knew that, in a way, no one ever helped anyone except, maybe, by holding on. People are complicated creatures. The crisis reached a turning point (funny how that always happens) and he ended up having to contend with himself. The thing is, he is one of the luckiest people on the planet and he didn’t have to contend for long. Just when he let go of an opportunity (which he was right to do), the very opportunity he wanted fell into his lap. He’s a relentlessly fortunate person, so much so that often he can’t even see it.

My work here is done. Very very very done. Dumb as I feel for ever attempting, I also think humanity would be a lot less human if people didn’t try.

But I’m worn out. I woke up this morning at 4 and couldn’t go back to sleep which, for me, is unusual. I just wanted a cup of coffee. I didn’t want anything else from life at that point. I tried going back to sleep, but no luck. It was like a big cup of hot coffee was drifting along, just out of reach. So here I am, a couple hours earlier than usual, drinking the coffee (yum), pondering whether it would be OK to have another one, but, usually the second one isn’t as good as the first and just leaves me kind of nervous and weird.

It looks like the sun is about to rise.


In other news, Bear and I headed out for a saunter late yesterday morning. It was lovely.

22 thoughts on “Early Morning

  1. i so get every word of this martha. i don’t think we can stop reaching out, even though it may be all in vain at times, but it’s the very act of try to stay connected that matters, not how it may or may not play out as planned. i’m with you on the early morning coffee – cheers

  2. The connecting with another person is what makes us human and humane. You are right that sometimes it is more about just being present than being a help.
    As I’m not a fan of the bitter brew, I can’t join you in rhapsodizing about its merits… now if you want to talk chocolate I’m your gal!
    So beautiful a sky! We have a grey day here – I think it is going to rain…

  3. It was a glorious dawn here. Dark enough to need a light to ride in to work, but the sun peered over the horizon just as I hit the lakeshore path. Golden light made the undergrowth along the water’s edge glow. I realized my phone camera would not capture what my eye saw and sometimes the camera gets in the way of just seeing and feeling. It brought me back to a long ago dawn after a long dark night of the soul. I sat on a tree that arched over the water on this path, watching the sun rise after spending the night helping 2 friends recognize they did not want to kill themselves that night. I got to bed about 9AM that day…

  4. That you feel dumb for attempting to help your friend tells me there’s maybe more to the story (which is no one’s business), but it makes me feel a little sad.

    But reading that there are other people who believe this: “I also think humanity would be a lot less human if people didn’t try.” makes me feel less nervous.

    • I didn’t feel dumb. I did what I had to do, even though I knew it might be completely futile (and was). In that sense it’s kind of dumb to try to help/rescue someone, but if I hadn’t tried then there would have been no possibility, and that, I think, is what matters. Thankfully everything turned out all right and I am not sure it would have if I hadn’t lent a helping hand. πŸ™‚

  5. Beautiful photos, must have been a wonderful walk. Ophelia is smiling at you, but not me. Today, I did morning coffee instead of her walk. I woke with the same feeling you had, just a different day. I suppose sometimes life just weighs heavy and then becomes light again – we lucky ones just keep cycling through.

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