Lamont and Dude Opine about the DMV

“Hey Lamont, how’s it hanging?”


“Hi, hello, ‘ssup, whatever.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“You look a little worse for wear.”

“You have NO idea.”

“I do though. That’s the thing.”

“True enough.”

“Where have you been?”


“Oh god. Say no more. You wonder how all these millions of years of evolution could result in the DMV.”

“I was wondering that very thing, Dude.”

“Did you make an appointment? That usually helps.”

“I did but so what?”


“Some lady was there with her 15 year old son. There for a driving test, but they were late. They missed their appointment. They pushed — I mean the lady, not the DMV — LITERALLY pushed everyone out of line so she could cut to the front and have her turn.”

“What did the DMV guy say?”

“DMV lady, Dude. DMV lady. Feminism means women get to work in that woeful place for peanuts. Yay fucking freedom.”

“Wow, you’re in a mood.”

“You would be too! Anyway she told them to make another appointment. They were twenty minutes late. Their place was taken by the next in line. Well that mother raised holy hell, held everything up.”

“Wow. So what happened finally?”

“A driving test guy came in, took out the kid. The DMV lady told the mother to sit down and be quiet or she’d call the cops. I can tell you that everyone in line was pissed.”

“What were you there for?”

“Just to renew my license.”

“Did you?”

“Finally, but Dude, the thing is did we — and I mean you and I — endure millions of years of molecular mutation, famines, floods, fires, being eaten by bears (me) and other creatures (you) JUST to stand in line at the DMV and have some stupid woman who can’t tell time further retard the already desperately flawed system we in our majestic humanity have devised so people can legally drive death machines to Disneyland?”

“Oh Lamont. It’s not such a big deal.”

“Seriously. When did the bullies of the world get the right to follow different rules?”

“Survival of the fittest, Lamont. You know that as well — better — than anyone.”

“All I want, Dude, all I want…”

“To come back as an oak tree?”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.,./

12 thoughts on “Lamont and Dude Opine about the DMV

  1. I had never heard of dMV, but I think that is what we call the Motorfahrzeugkontrolle which is in the village where I worked. They are very friendly people, no problem, all very much Swissly organised. Perhaps Lamont should have been trapped in a swiss glacier, he would have been much happier at the Swiss DMV

    • Department of Motor Vehicles — yep, the same thing. The DMV here is no problem at all (small town, two waiting chairs, nice people), but in San Diego it was a nightmare. Once I spent six hours there. And Lamont’s story is based on an experience I had trying to renew my license. We had a lot of immigrants from Iraq and they had been through so much to get to America, that truly only the very aggressive and demanding probably made it. I taught a lot of Iraqi students and they were different — but mostly good. The real life mother in this story was an Iraqi woman whose English was limited and whose paranoia was off the charts. She started yelling about discrimination and oppression and all kinds of stuff and finally the DMV lady figured giving the kid the test was the only way to solve the problem. Since most Middle Eastern cultures are polychronic, and time is not all that important to them, that woman thought being 20 or 30 minutes late was being on time.

  2. I do so enjoy Lamont and Dude, along with their adventures. I go back and forth on whether or not I’d like to have their recall. Interesting on one level, and quite probably overwhelming on another. Something that I don’t need to spend much time on. And I can be grateful that my next trip to the DMV isn’t until 2020.

  3. Yeah, I hear this loud and clear! OMG I’ve been 3 times to get a photo done. I need a pic DL to get money owed me. They wouldn’t accept my “outdated” drivers license nor my med. card. Now I have to pay the gov. to get a copy of an outdated marriage license to prove who I am. OR the big OR I could go back to my maiden name (of which I have no ID at all) and that’s acceptable. That means changing and paying for all the above and more changes in everything I have. Yay DMV.

Comments are closed.