Trying to cope with reality, reality being that my left hip is now offering up painful symptoms of osteoarthritis. What this means is a HUGE pain in the ass (literally and metaphorically). So far it’s just an ache and a pinch in the socket in the groin area (TMI? Sorry, but it could be you someday; you might as well know what happens. 😦 ) but I know it doesn’t get better. It gets worse.
I dealt with this already on my right hip. I had surgery in January of 2007, hip resurfacing. I probably will not have that option this time.
Back then, hip resurfacing was considered “experimental” in the United States, even though European doctors had been doing it for a long time on younger, more active patients. I even had tickets and an appointment to go to Belgium when — more or less out of nowhere — my insurance started covering it. There were few doctors who were experienced in doing the surgery in the United States, but I found one in the tiny town of Mt. Shasta, CA.
This was one of the worst times of my life. I was in excruciating pain and living with a sociopathic shithead.
So here I am again — minus the live-in sociopath. I’m checking out everything I can before making “the call.” I will go to Denver, I imagine, though there is a hospital 1 1/2 hours away in Salida. I would prefer hip resurfacing as the damage to the bones is much less and the rehab is shorter, but probably I won’t be able to have it since I’m 65. I also don’t want to do this until spring because the necessary rehab walking on ice and snow would not be fun. Or safe.
After the surgery, someone will probably have to come and stay with me for a month because I will not be allowed to drive, especially if I’m compelled to get a full replacement. The dogs? I don’t know.
I just want to cry. I know this is not life or death, but it’s tiring emotionally and physically. This thing hurts enough already that I wake up in the night when the Tylenol has worn off.
Life requires so damned much stamina, faith, perseverance and stoicism and for what? The next thing? What’s the “next thing?” I was going to try skiing again this coming winter and now that’s not happening. What’s ahead of a person when they’re 65 years old? Oh I know. You get to keep mowing your fucking lawn until you can’t. You get to clean your house until you can’t. You get to do all these things until you can’t. I am depressed by this, yes, clearly, honestly.