Lamont and Dude Discuss Pest Control

“How many gophers do you think we have to deal with, Lamont?”

“Infinite gophers.”

“No, seriously.”


“I am serious. Unless a meteor comes and wipes out all the gophers, they’ll just keep breeding and digging and destroying our garden, ugly bastards.”



“What’s that?”

“Fox piss.”

“In a jug?”

“It’s crystalized. I’m going to sprinkle it around here and see if the claims on the jug are justified, that the smell of fox piss will keep the gophers away.”

“How’s that supposed to work?”

“They’ll think a fox is here, you know, a predator, and the gophers will go away.”

“Good god, that’ll keep me away. That’s rank.”

“Do you remember being a small mammalian creature back in the day?”

“After the meteor?”

“Yeah. That was interesting. Survival was, uh, interesting. Especially with the Pterodactyls. But Dude, do you remember what you said to me? That you had all those ideas and you wondered where they came from? That right there was an idea.”

“Exactly. So gophers are basically those Cretaceous creatures evolved several million years and eating our tomatoes from the ground up! Did you see that giant tomato plant that just went — zoop! — down that hole?”

“That’s why we’re out here, Dude, fox piss and all.”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations. This gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

7 thoughts on “Lamont and Dude Discuss Pest Control

  1. My son has been having an all out war with the gophers. He plants veggies, the gophers eat them all, including the roots. He traps them, they come back. I suggested he give up. He gave me that look which says “Mom, you don’t GET it.” He refuses to be beaten by gophers. But there really are an infinite number of them.

    • I learned that, for flowers, gophers do not usually eat wildflowers and native plants (aHA) so that ended up my flower bed in Californias. As for roses, rugosa roses have thorns on the roots. And, tomatoes and other food, containers. It’s been a strange adjustment living here to realize I can dig a hole in the actual GROUND and put in a PLANT! :O

    • I also tried everything — including traps, Siberian huskies (quite effective but only one gopher at a time and gophers get smarter), smoke bombs (fun for me but the gophers just laughed) garlic. Obviously, I did not try poison since the Siberian huskies were more to me than mere gopher killers.

    • Lamont and Dude want you to know that you can always go back and read anything you might have missed, and we’ll all be around again in some form or other just in case.

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