Lamont and Dude Long for Old Times

“What are you going to dress up as, Lamont?”

“For what?”


“Oh Dude, I’m so over that.”

“Seriously? I think it’s the most fun human holiday.”

“It has its points. I’ll grant you that. But…”

“But what?”

“The whole holiday season used to be a lot quieter, you know? It was some mead in the great hall, a big log. Sometimes it was a human sacrifice or two, always exciting. Nowadays? Candy?”

“You pine after the goodle days don’t you, Lamont.”

“I try not to. Nostalgia is a death trap.”


“We can’t go back. I can’t go back ever to that glorious time in the great forest of Europe when I was an oak tree, worshipped by the Druids who put their great stone altar in front of me where they sacrificed their war captives and the murderers and thieves of their tribe. And now? We get editorial comments from the likes of National Geographic describing these highly exalted moments of human spiritual seeking as ‘gruesome’ and ‘grizzly’ and ‘eerie’.”


“Yeah. I was reading an article in that piece of editorialized slop about someone they found in a bog, they call him ‘Lindow Man’. Awful. Absolutely irresponsible journalism. To whit:”

“You’ve got a rope tightened round his neck, and at the moment where the neck was constricted, the throat was cut, which would cause an enormous fountain of blood to rise up,” said archaeologist Miranda Aldhouse-Green, an archaeologist at Cardiff University in Wales and an expert on the Druids.

Another clue lay inside the body’s well-preserved gut: pollen grains from mistletoe, a plant that was sacred to the Druids. (Romans wrote that Druids cut mistletoe from trees with golden sickles.)

“You can’t expect modern people to know what really happened or why. You have to cut them a little slack.”

“I’ll cut them some slack when they show a shred of humility and refrain from making judgments. The Romans were on the warpath, killing the people left and right. They didn’t ask any questions like, ‘Who are you? Where do you live? What do you believe? Why is that giant oak tree so important to you?’ They just pushed their way into a world that did NOT belong to them.”

“Who’s editorializing now?”

“I was THERE, Dude. That’s the difference. I am giving a first hand account. Oh well.”

“So, Halloween, what are you going to be?”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a couple of years ago. They remember many — if not most — of their various incarnations which gives them a unique and sometimes helpful perspective on life, the universe and everything.


11 thoughts on “Lamont and Dude Long for Old Times

  1. Yes well, I definitely think that Lamont should be in the running for president of the States. He is a realist and says things how they are, no hiding the bare facts – honest to the core. I am still laughing.

  2. I’m not nearly as old as Lamont and Dude, but I’m over-saturated with holiday cheer … and it’s only November 1. I like holidays, but the level of excitement that starts before Halloween and doesn’t let up until sometime after Valentine’s Day … well, Too much for me. By Christmas I just want everyone to go away.

    • I have learned to ignore it. I do the thing that matters — like passing out candy to kids wearing costumes. Thanksgiving is about going into nature and saying, “Thank you for keeping me sane throughout my life.” Christmas is something else — if I’m alone on Christmas Eve I’ve observed that, frequently, something amazing happens that I couldn’t have expected. New Years — like Valentine’s day — is just annoying. So I’m with you completely. It’s all about selling shit now, anyway.

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