Daily Prompt: If You Leave, by Krista on March 12, 2014 Life is a series of beginnings and endings. We leave one job to start another; we quit cities, countries, or continents for a fresh start; we leave lovers and begin new relationships. What was the last thing you contemplated leaving? What were the pros and cons? Have you made up your mind? What will you choose?
Some of the biggest of life’s crossroads we don’t even notice. We’re shoved through on the front plow of a snow train. We’re just glad when the train stops, and then we’re surprised to find ourselves in another place.
I’m at a crossroads of life now without being “lucky” enough to be in front of a snowplow train. This one I’ve had to actually DECIDE. In pondering this (for two years!) I see how we lie to ourselves a lot; we look for reasons AFTER we’ve made our decision. I don’t think most of our lists of pros and cons help us decide; they justify what we want to do, have already done, or know we will do. We live in a world where the word “want” isn’t as “good” to our ears as “need.” In the decision I’m making, I realized that the ONLY question I could ask that would HELP me, that I needed (and I mean NEED) to answer was, “What do I WANT to do?” The answer to that was interesting. Initially the answer was that I didn’t want to make the decision and since I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t. So there! It didn’t go away, though that served as a short-term panacea. I had to look straight at that question. What did I want? Facing the question led me through a cascade of emotions I didn’t know I had and didn’t want to feel (a-HA, that’s why I didn’t want to make the decision! I didn’t want to face facts — including the facts of my own feelings!) I was angry at being shoved into a decision. I was resentful that promises had been broken. Furious that I had less value to the people for whom I work than my work has for me. I was scared at having to do this thing and at no longer being able NOT to do it. I was happy at the chance to make a new life. Frightened at the financial situation I am/was in. Excited at the prospect of change. Now? Eager to make the move.
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